Have you ever uttered the words during a conflict, "I can't believe I have to ask for this from you AGAIN,"? Do you recall the moment you realized your partner won't be able to make you feel okay every time there's a fight and then a repair between the two of you? Were you deeply disappointed to recognize that you won't be able to always get agreement from your spouse about something you care about? Ahhh, yes, well, welcome to the in-your-face moment where you have to release your fantasies...

If you're here because your spouse or partner just asked for a divorce, and you're blindsided, I am sorry. In my therapy practice with couples, I have encountered this exact scenario many times before. One partner's flabbers are gasted, and the other person who initiated the separation conversation is saying things like, "This shouldn't be a surprise. I've been telling you for a long time now that I've been unhappy." And guess what? I believe both of you. I believe that you, the shocked...

"Oh, here we go again!" "You never listen to me." "This feels like we fight about this every single month." Have any of those sentences come out of your mouth during a fight before? I bet they have, because if you're in a partnership, you're guaranteed some level of conflict as part of the emotional contract of two messy humans navigating life together. I get this question a lot, as a couples therapist in Oklahoma: "Why do we keep having the same fight over and over again?" And the answer is...