What Relationship Fantasies Do You Need to Let Go Of?

Have you ever uttered the words during a conflict, "I can't believe I have to ask for this from you AGAIN,"? Do you recall the moment you realized your partner won't be able to make you feel okay every time there's a fight and then a repair between the two of you? Were you deeply disappointed to recognize that you won't be able to always get agreement from your spouse about something you care about?

Ahhh, yes, well, welcome to the in-your-face moment where you have to release your fantasies about what relationships are 'supposed' to be like. Or you can keep holding onto the imaginary world where you can receive all of your wants, desires, safety and freedom and love from your relationship without any push back, problems or resentment popping up.

Fantasies Keep Us Stuck

Here's the problem: fantasies keep us stuck. They get us wrapped up in our imagination and help us avoid reality. Are you ready for a hard truth? Okay, here it is... you cannot have the relationship you dream about. It. Does. Not. Exist. It's not real.

And here's another truth: you can still have a beautiful, intimate, fun, joyful partnership, once you let go of the mirage.

Escapism is ingrained in our culture. We live in a world that is fascinated by our phones, social media, romance novels, porn, video games, etc. It's easy to stay in the storybook version of the perfect marriage or relationship, because everything in our modern day lives is designed to direct your attention that way.

Hyper-focusing on imaginary relationships also keep you from appreciating what is good about your real-life marriage. At this point, you might be saying to yourself: "But, there's NOTHING good in my partnership." And if that is really true, then why are you still in it? To be clear: some relationships genuinely need to end, and that's not what this is about. But if you're not leaving, and you're not changing anything, and you're just... complaining? That's choosing suffering. I'm fond of saying, "Life is painful sometimes, and suffering in that pain is a choice."

Victim Mindsets in Relationships

The saying goes, "If you don't like something, change it, leave it, or embrace it." If you choose neither to change nor leave, then it would behoove you to own your choice and appreciate the good parts of your situation. A lot of us are hoping that our partner will become the version of themselves that we truly want and deserve. And I'm here to tell you, that you have to work with the person you have, not the one you wish you had.

When you focus on fantasy or what you're not getting in your partnership, guess what? That's exactly what you will get more of. If you notice that your partner isn't emotionally deep and you keep complaining about it to them, and never notice their floundering attempts at depth, you will get less trying on their part, and more resentment on your own. What you notice is what you get more of. Where you turn your attention is where you will stay, good or bad.

The Fantasies You Need to Let Go Of

Here's where I'd ask you to sit with something uncomfortable, a short inventory, if you will. Which of these are you still holding onto?

The Mind-Reading Fantasy

"If they really loved me, I wouldn't have to ask." This one keeps you silently bitter, waiting to be discovered instead of known. Letting go of it means saying the humiliating, obvious thing out loud: "I need you to ask me about my day." Every time. Which, I get it, is annoying as fuck. What do you want more? A partner who is thoughtfully asking you about your day, because you asked them to, or you seething quietly because they went straight to the dinner and dishes routine without connecting first.

The Fantasy of Permanent Harmony

You think a healthy relationship is one without conflict. It's not. A healthy relationship is one that ruptures and repairs well, over and over, for as long as you're both alive. If you're waiting for the fighting to stop before you feel safe, you'll be waiting forever. As Terry Real is fond of saying, "Relationships are an endless cycle of harmony, disharmony and repair."

The Fantasy That They'll Eventually Agree With You

Enough talking. Enough evidence. Enough emotional appeals. Surely they'll come around. They might not. Two adults can stay in a relationship while disagreeing about something that matters. Heck, my spouse and I disagree on many, many things, and we find a way to see each other's point of view, without attempting to convince (at least, not too often!).

The Rescue Fantasy

That your partner will save you from your own unprocessed pain, your low self-worth, the stuff from your family of origin you've never dealt with. They can't. That was never their job, even though it might feel like it should be. And rescuing, as I'm fond of saying, isn't actually as sexy as we all think it is. The rescuer is often having to take away a person's autonomy to rescue and the rescuee eventually becomes resentful of that independence being stripped from them.

The "Once We Fix X, We'll Be Happy" Fantasy

Once we have the baby. Once we buy the house. Once he gets the promotion. Once she stops working so much. Once we move there. Happiness stays one circumstance away, forever, because you never let it catch up to you in the present. You struggle to find the small moments of joy with your spouse, and appreciate them, without beleaguring the point of "once we do ____."

The Fantasy That Real Love Feels Easy

Hollywood's fault, mostly. If it's right, it shouldn't take effort. Remember that famous line from the movie Love Story: "Love means never having to say you're sorry." BLECH. Yuck. Sustained intimacy isn't a feeling you either have or don't. It's a skill set. You build it. It takes reps.

So, back to that moment. The one where you're standing in your kitchen, exhausted, saying 'I can't believe I have to ask for this AGAIN.' That moment isn't proof your relationship is broken. It's proof your fantasy is dying. Let it. On the other side of it isn't nothing: it's a real partnership, with a real person, who will disappoint you and repair with you and choose you, on purpose, over and over. That's not the storybook version of love. That's better. It's just harder to see when you're still holding out for the fairy tale and the partner you deserve (but will never get) to show up.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

Your Partner Said the D-Word (Divorce). Now What?

If you're here because your spouse or partner just asked for a divorce, and you're blindsided, I am sorry. In my therapy practice with couples, I have encountered this exact scenario many times before. One partner's flabbers are gasted, and the other person who initiated the separation conversation is saying things like, "This shouldn't be a surprise. I've been telling you for a long time now that I've been unhappy." And guess what? I believe both of you.

I believe that you, the shocked spouse, didn't know it was this bad. And I believe you, the partner that's had it, that it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse and you couldn't keep living this way any longer.

I get it: now that you're here, at the bitter end, you're hoping for a relationship resurrection (talking to you, Mr. I-Didn't-Know-She-Was-Serious), or the quiet, peaceful death of a marriage (Ms. If-You-Don't-Let-Me-Out-Of-Here-I-Will-Scream). Here's the thing: I don't advocate that a relationship needs to end or persist until I know the full story. Until I can see if there's anything left in the tank. Until I'm certain that both people are capable and willing to change. So, if you're reading this post, I'd like to give you some unsolicited (maybe it's solicited since The Google brought you here) advice:

Take an Honest Inventory of Your Own Behavior

I want to urge you both to take stock in what you've done (or not done) in this relationship. The surprised person reading this post needs to take rapid and intense accountability about your lack of care, your anger, your dismissiveness, your fears, your controlling behaviors, etc., regardless of if your partner leaves you. You must start recognizing where you've misstepped and then you must atone for these missteps, again, no matter what happens. You are atoning because it is the right thing to do, for yourself and for your partner.

For the fed up partner, you need to determine what boundaries you allowed your partner to cross, and figure out why. Even if you leave, this codependency (yup, I said it) isn't going anywhere. It will follow you into every 'Ever After' after this one. If you believe you stood up for yourself in the marriage and still weren't respected, ask yourself, "Did I ask directly for what I wanted?" No hinting. No complaining. Just direct requests with all that vulnerability just hanging out there. If not, why not?

Do All of the Work. With Everything You've Got.

If you decide to try — really try — then try like you mean it. None of this one-foot-in, one-foot-out, "I'm here but I'm not sure this is going to work" energy. Showing up to the appointments is not the same as showing up to the work. I can tell the difference between someone who's trying and someone who's just buying time. So can your partner.

Let your therapist lead. I know that's hard for the people in this room who have been white-knuckling control since approximately 1987. But the whole point of sitting across from a trained professional is that they can see things you can't — your patterns, your defenses, the stories you've been telling yourself so long you forgot they were stories.

And here's the part nobody warns you about: a huge chunk of this work has nothing to do with your partner. It has to do with you. The version of you that learned how to love — or not love, or love sideways and desperately — in your family of origin. The coping mechanisms that kept you safe as a kid that are now burning your marriage to the ground. The relational skills you never got to learn because nobody modeled them for you. Learning how to be relational — maybe for the first time in forever (quick, name that Disney movie!) — is part of the work. And it's some of the most important work you'll ever do.

(Frozen, by the way. The answer is Frozen.)

You are not broken. But some of what you learned about relationships is. And therapy, real therapy, done with abandon, is where you finally get to unlearn it.

Should You Try Couples Therapy When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce?

See, the thing is, most people enter couples therapy about six years too late. And some use it as a misery stabilizer — staying just long enough to feel like they're trying, without actually changing anything. That's not how I work. We pick a timeline, we do the hard thing, and then we honestly assess what's shifted. If nothing has? My advice isn't more patience. It's to change something significant. Therapy is a means to an end — and sometimes, the end is divorce.

You have three options: 1) Stay together and it gets wildly better, 2) Stay together and stay shittily the same, or 3) Leave/Separate/Divorce. And I'm not interested in working with couples who won't choose option 1 or 3 after some hard work and a period of time.

Decide What Kind of (Ex) Partners You Want to Be

If you are unwilling to reconcile (and heck, I wouldn't blame you), then decide what kind of co-parents or divorced people you want to be. You can be bitter or you can get better. You can't have it both ways.

Work towards a future where you can be in the same room at weddings. Where you can show up for each other in an emergency, even one that has nothing to do with your kids. Where you can genuinely wish the other person well when they find someone new. Not for them — for you. You can drag this resentment and anger and bitter betrayal of a reinto every room you ever walk into after this, or you can put it down. That's it. Those are the options.

Work towards being a more understanding and mature version of yourself, no matter what.

Ready to Do the Hard Thing?

If you're in this moment right now — shocked, or finally done, or somewhere in the terrifying middle — I work with couples at every stage of this conversation. Sometimes we save it. Sometimes we end it with intention and dignity. Either way, you don't have to figure it out alone. Book a couples consultation here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

"Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight Over and Over?" : A Couples Therapist Answers Your Most Burning Questions

"Oh, here we go again!"

"You never listen to me."

"This feels like we fight about this every single month."

Have any of those sentences come out of your mouth during a fight before? I bet they have, because if you're in a partnership, you're guaranteed some level of conflict as part of the emotional contract of two messy humans navigating life together.

I get this question a lot, as a couples therapist in Oklahoma: "Why do we keep having the same fight over and over again?" And the answer is complex and simple. HA. You thought it would be a basic answer, right? Nope, not in my therapy office.

What Does the Research Say About Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight?

What does the research say about fighting in relationships? Well, that it's common, and that handlind conflicts with intentionality and care make all the difference. It's more about how you fight, than what you fight about, per se.

In fact, The Gottman Institute, the premiere research body on marriage and relationships, has found that 69% of conflict in relationships involve what we call 'perpetual problems,' issues that are about fundamental differences in personality types, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs/wants. These problems tend to plague couples for the duration of a partnership. And what is considered a perpetual problem for one relationship would be a completely solvable issue for another.

To give a concrete example: a couple who has mismatched needs around alone time versus togetherness is dealing with a perpetual problem. It's a fundamental difference in how they're wired. A couple who keeps fighting about whose turn it is to call the plumber? That's solvable. The distinction matters, because the approach is different.

When I share this research with couples, their eyes often get really big and they say they feel "discouraged." To which I reply, "Why the discouragement? If it's a topic that comes up often, you are most likely dealing with one of your perpetual problems and that means that you can focus on finding a solution for the moment at hand (a temporary truce, if you will) and it means finding the emotional maturity within yourself to do the longer term work of deciding if this is something you can accept in your partnership for the rest of your life."

Why Needing to Be Right Keeps Couples Stuck in the Same Argument

Another major reason couples have the same fight over and over again is that each person is prioritizing the need to be right. This is the first of the Five Losing Strategies in relationships, identified by therapist Terry Real. Wanting to be right in an argument keeps people stuck in the cycle of disagreement, because most fights aren't cut-and-dry issues with a clear right and wrong. The fight is a clash between two equally valid (notice I didn't say 'true' or 'right') viewpoints. When we're both fighting to win, we're missing out on the ability to stay connected. You can be right or you can be connected. You cannot have both at the same time.

When you work on the part of you that wants to be right, suddenly what used to be a high 'heat' topic is now at a lower temperature when you discuss it, especially when you're prioritizing your intimacy over your agenda. The questions I ask couples to consider before they are about to enter into a fight or disagreement is, "What is it that I want to get out of this?" and "Is what I'm about to do going to get me more of what I want?"

Once this skill is ingrained, you start being what we call in RLT 'relationally mindful,' recognizing how everything you do and say in the relationship contributes, either positively or negatively, to your relationship's ecosystem. If you want an ecosystem clogged with smog and pollution, then, by all means, keep insisting that your viewpoint is right and your partner's is wrong. But... if you want a relational ecosystem with clean, crisp and clear air, then you're going to have to let go of the need to be right.

The Missing Piece: Relational Contracts

The final reason I notice that people get stuck in the same arguments is because they aren't creating contracts or agreements ahead of time. Contracting in a close relationship is a necessary skill. Here's what it may sound like: "Hey honey, I know we are going to see your parents this weekend. I'd like to keep our time there to under 4 hours. Is that okay with you if we leave at the four hour mark, so I can have some time to recharge this weekend as well?" And if your partner agrees, then you have a contract in place.

Contracts protect you in two ways: 1) it makes it difficult for your partner to take a victim position, because they agreed to the contract, and 2) and it makes expectations and commitments clear. Contracts are about behavior, not feelings or thoughts, and they work the best when they have specific behaviors targeted and are close-ended. We don't have eternal contracts.

So Why Do You Keep Having the Same Fight?

So there you have it. You keep having the same fight because some of your conflicts are perpetual problems — fundamental differences that aren't meant to be "solved," so much as navigated with grace. You keep having the same fight because one or both of you is prioritizing being right over staying connected. And you keep having the same fight because nobody sat down ahead of time and made a clear agreement.

The good news? All three of these are workable. Not overnight, and not without some discomfort — but workable. If you're tired of the same argument on repeat, the change doesn't start with your partner. It starts with you deciding that your relationship matters more than winning an argument. And if you need some help getting there, well — that's exactly what I'm here for.

If you'd like to explore what couples therapy with me might look like and you're located in Oklahoma or Vermont, please feel free to email me at info@giftofgritcounseling.com or schedule a free 20 minute virtual consultation here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan