Why I Don’t Do ‘Blank Slate’ Therapy

Let’s be real for a second: most people don’t want to feel like they’re talking to a brick wall, especially when they're about to come to counseling to bare their deepest fears and secrets. And yet that’s exactly what traditional "blank slate" therapy can feel like: a therapist who stays silent, expressionless, and emotionally removed while you do all the work.

That model isn’t just outdated; it’s not supported by current neuroscience (Empirical science for the spotless mind, 2005).

What Is "Blank Slate" Therapy, and Why Is It Still Around?

The "blank slate" approach comes from old-school psychoanalysis, where therapists were trained to be neutral, withholding, and personally opaque. The idea was that if clients projected their inner world onto the therapist, hidden patterns would emerge. It took some inspiration from John Locke's 17th century philosophical theory of tabula rasa (blank slate), where he made the argument that infants' minds were essentially blank and therefore able to be shaped into logical reasoning as they grow older (A blank slate: The rational child, n.d.).

Now, we know better.

Neuroscience Says: Healing Happens in Relationship

Contemporary brain science and trauma research have made it clear: connection heals.

The therapeutic relationship itself is a key agent of change (Opland & Torrico, 2024). When you feel safe, seen, and emotionally attuned to, your nervous system shifts. You learn to regulate emotions, explore vulnerability, and rewire old relational patterns, not just by talking about them, but by experiencing something different and warmer in real time.

That doesn’t happen with a blank slate. That happens with a real human being who’s engaged, attuned, and honest with you. It also happens with a therapeutic practitioner who is able to build emotional safety and yet, provide enough stress for change (Matos &Dimaggio, 2023). I often say that people don't change until the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of change.

Why I Don’t Practice That Way

Because you’re not here to play a guessing game or to feel alone in the room. You’re here to feel better.

I bring warmth, presence, and suitable self-disclosure into my office, not to center therapy on myself, but to demonstrate authenticity and foster a trusting relationship.

I have experienced what many of my clients are going through: dealing with profound grief, living with postpartum OCD, feeling lost in the haze of late-diagnosed ADHD, and learning to connect from a place of avoidant attachment. These personal experiences, along with extensive training, influence how I engage, with empathy, clarity, and practical tools (EMDR, Parts work, Relational Life Therapy, etc.).

In fact, I think that practitioners who haven't done their own work, and figured out their ish, probably shouldn't be practicing. The difference between blank slate and healthy use of self in the therapy office is as simple as this: As a provider, have you done the work in order to be fully present with your client, carry your own story, while maintaining separateness from their wounds, and be able to make amends when you've made a misstep? It takes a real ego death to repair ruptures in the therapeutic relationship, to admit what you don't know, to guide rather than push. I'm not promising you perfection, but I am promising you that I will go to extra lengths to continue to become the person and therapist that is able to do these things well. Because I've learned to carry my wounds, I can help you learn to bear your pain as well.

What I Do Instead: Real, Relational, and Research-Informed

I Call It Like I See It

If you’re stuck in a loop, overthinking, people-pleasing, blowing up then shutting down, I’ll gently point it out. No shaming, just insight and a way forward. Some therapists won't give you advice, even if you ask for it. I wait for permission, of course, but if you ask, I'm going to be give you my honest thoughts on how to move forward. Some therapists won't tell you when you're doing something that goes against your better interests. I will. I want you to be able to let go of therapy with me someday, because you're better, and the only way to do that is to help you change actively in the moment with honesty and fairness.

I Use Modalities That Respect the Brain

My work is grounded in neuroscience, attachment theory, and evidence-based approaches like:

• Relational Life Therapy (RLT) for couples ready to grow beyond blame

• Inferential-CBT for obsessive thinking (yes, I even have a nerdy PowerPoint!)

• Grief-informed therapy that honors complex emotional landscapes

• Behavioral tools that help support big life changes like weight loss

• EMDR for Complex Trauma and PTSD

Understanding New Methods for Learning

These methods not only support your experiences but also help your brain learn to respond in new ways. This can lead to new ideas about your feelings as you learn. They change what you might not understand into things you can clearly see, allowing for real change.

I Show Up as a Whole Person

Therapists aren’t meant to be emotionless note-takers. We’re meant to be emotionally present, clinically grounded, and deeply human. My clients know enough about me to feel like I'm a whole-ass person, which helps me better understand their dreams, innate desires, and elemental fears, because I experience all of those things, too.

Who Thrives with This Style of Therapy?

Clients who work well with me are usually tired of sugarcoating, silence, or surface-level support. My approach resonates most with:

• Grieving parents who want space to fall apart, and also rebuild

• People navigating weight loss who are untangling emotional eating, shame, and identity

• Couples who want structure, challenge, and real connection

• Overthinkers looking for clarity and peace of mind

What You Can Expect

Therapy with me is warm, honest, and active. I won’t sit in silence while you wonder what I’m thinking. I’ll be in it with you: tracking patterns, offering insight, and celebrating your progress.

This is not therapy that hides behind the couch. It’s therapy where both of us show up fully, so you can get results sooner.

Let’s Work Together

I offer online therapy for adults in Edmond, Oklahoma and throughout Vermont. If you’re looking for therapy that’s science-backed, relational, and real, I’d love to connect. You can self schedule a free 20 minute consultation call at this link!

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan

References

1. Empirical science for the spotless mind. (2005, August 30). Observer: Association for Psychological Science. https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/empirical-science-for-the-spotless-mind

2. A blank slate: The rational child.* (n.d.). The ABC of It: Why Children’s Books Matter (University of Minnesota Libraries). https://gallery.lib.umn.edu/exhibits/show/abc-of-it--why-children-s-book/visions-of-childhood/the-rational-child

3. Opland C, Torrico TJ. Psychotherapy and Therapeutic Relationship. [Updated 2024 Oct 6]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2025 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK608012/

4. Matos M, Dimaggio G. The interplay between therapeutic relationship and therapeutic technique: "It takes two to tango". J Clin Psychol. 2023 Jul;79(7):1609-1614.

10 Ways to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy (Without the Eye Roll or the Explosion)

So, you’ve been thinking about couples therapy, and whether it can help you and your partner get along better. Maybe you’re tired of the same arguments looping, or you're exhausted from the weight of carrying the emotional load, or maybe you just want to feel closer again. But every time you picture bringing it up, you visualize your partner rolling their eyes, sighing, or saying, “We don’t need that.”

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many people want more support in their relationship but worry that suggesting therapy will spark defensiveness and irritation in their partner. The good news is: you don’t have to convince, pressure, or argue. With the right approach, you can invite your spouse into the therapy room in a way that feels safe, respectful, and even appealing.

Initially, you can make a request for marriage or couples counseling. The 10 options below are mostly request-based. All the steps or skills in the world won't make a partner who won't go attend and participate in the therapy process. And then, here's the hard part: let go of the outcome. You can't control your partner's behavior. Your partner may say no to your first request. After the negative response, it's your job to take care of yourself and your disappointment.

If it is dire (like you feel like your relationship is on life support, or is being rocked by something big happening), that's when you can turn that request into a demand. Demands are rare in marriage/partnership. For example, I'd say demands need to be less than 3-5 times in the course of a 30 year relationship. Demands sound like: "If we don't go to couples therapy, I am putting our relationship on a timetable of 6 months. If things don't change in 6 months time, I will leave."

Top 10 Ways to Introduce the Idea of Couples Therapy to Your Partner:

Here are 10 ways to ask your partner to try couples therapy, hopefully without making it a fight.

1. Lead with love, not blame.

If you start the conversation with, “We need help,” it can sound like a guilty verdict, raining down from a judge's bench. Instead, affirm their efforts first (yes, even when you feel like their efforts are severely lacking):

“I know you’re doing your best, and I see how much you care about our relationship. I want us to be even stronger.”

2. Tell your side of the story

Make it personal and express your own fears about therapy. Share why therapy matters to you. Vulnerability opens doors.

“I am nervous about going to therapy as well because I know I have some work to do. I care so deeply about us that I'm willing to feel that anxiety to help me get closer to you.”

3. Offer options

Instead of a yes/no question, give choices that feel manageable.

“Would you feel more comfortable trying a Zoom session first or going in person?”

4. Make it about us, not them.

The fastest way to trigger defensiveness? Saying “you need therapy.” Shift the language.

“I think therapy could help us communicate better and feel more connected. If nothing else, it'll help me speak to you in a way that lets me be heard. I'm hopeful to learn some new skills.”

5. Suggest a “test drive”

Big commitments can feel overwhelming. Keep it simple.

“What if we just tried one session and see what it’s like? No strings attached.”

6. Tie it to their values

Link therapy to something that matters to them: peace at home, less stress, or more fun together.

“Imagine how much easier things could feel if we had better tools to handle conflict.”

or

"I know how much you believe in staying together for the kids. I'd like our kids to see a relationship where their parents are really intimate and happy together."

7. Normalize it

Therapy is common, but many people still think it’s “only for problems.” Reframe it, similar to going to your PCP or auto dealership for a wellness check up.

“Lots of healthy couples use therapy as a tune-up. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It means we want to grow for the long haul.”

8. Don’t make it a hill to die on

If they’re hesitant, don’t turn it into an argument. Plant the seed and revisit later.

“I get that it’s not your favorite idea right now. Can you take some time to think about it, and I can bring it up again in a few weeks?”

9. If there are serious issues in the relationship, you may need to set the boundary.

Couples therapy works better if both people are invested, but it can still work even if one partner is reluctant and doesn't want to be there, if there's leverage.

“Honey, I love you, and I want our life together to be better. I have been very frustrated for a long time, and it's getting to the point where if we don't get some help from an outside source, I am going to have to start prioritizing my own needs and welfare, too. I don't want to have to do that, and I still deeply want to work on this together. Please come with me to a few sessions, just to see if we can move the needle. After all, if it works, it'll save us the pain and suffering of separation or fighting until one of us dies."

10. Be willing to go first

Sometimes the best way to show it’s safe is to try it yourself.

“I’m going to meet with a therapist on my own first, just to see what it’s like. I’d love for you to join me later if you’re open.”

Final Thoughts

Therapy isn’t a punishment, and it’s not about assigning blame. It’s an investment in your relationship. By leading with empathy, vulnerability, and respect, you’re showing your spouse that therapy is about building something better together, not tearing anything down.

So the next time you think about bringing it up, skip the lecture or the ultimatum. Instead, make it an invitation. One that says, I believe in us.

Couples Therapy with an RLT (Relational Life Therapy) Focus in Oklahoma and Vermont

If you'd like to discuss how to get started in couples therapy with me in Edmond, OK and throughout the state of Oklahoma, or throughout the state of Vermont, head on over to my couples therapy page and shoot me an email at info@giftofgritcounseling.com or schedule a free consult here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

When Grief Meets Partnership: Navigating Child Loss as a Couple

When I first became a therapist, I didn’t imagine I’d work with couples. And I certainly didn’t expect to sit with parents grieving the death of a child. In the beginning, anxiety was the most common thread I followed. But then life, as it tends to do, cracked me open. I became a grieving parent. And something in me shifted. I began to feel called to walk alongside others navigating that same, impossible terrain.

Couples work emerged naturally, not just as an extension of grief support, but as its own inquiry: How do people stay together when the unthinkable happens? How does grief shape the space between partners, not just within them?

When our daughter died at birth, my husband and I were already four months into the grieving process. We’d known about her fatal diagnosis since the ultrasound, and yet, nothing prepares you for the stillness of a delivery room when the baby doesn’t cry. And to add insult to injury, we then experienced two years of infertility afterwards and three subsequent miscarriages before we had our one living child in 2020.

At the time of our first daughter's death, my grief came in bursts: tight, hot, sudden. His grief was quiet, folded inward. In those first weeks, he tucked me into bed every night because I couldn’t bear to sleep alone. It was the only part of our old rhythm that still felt steady.

And still, the distance came. I remember one fight. I was sobbing, screaming, utterly unraveled. He sat across from me on our brown couch, silent and shut down. We were both grieving, but in such different languages it felt like we’d lost each other, too.

That was the night we made a choice. Not to pretend things were okay. Not to erase the hurt. But to stay. To walk through the grief together, even if that meant limping.

This post is for couples standing in that same hallway of life, grieving a child, and wondering if your relationship will survive. My hope is to offer not answers, but orientation. You’re not doing it wrong. Grief pulls us apart, and it can also become a reason to reach for each other again.

The Double Impact: Grief with Child Loss and Relationship Stress

Grief often doesn’t arrive quietly. It floods the room. And when you're in a relationship, it doesn’t just touch your individual heart. It often gets into the dirty, dark underworld of the partnership.

After our daughter died, I felt like we, feeling desperate and disoriented, were both gasping for air in the dark, murky waters of grief. Sometimes we bumped into each other; sometimes we drifted in opposite directions.

It’s common to face communication breakdowns, where words either miss their mark or dry up entirely. Intimacy can slip away, not just physically but emotionally,like reaching for someone in the dark and finding they’ve turned to face the wall. Financial strain adds pressure, especially with the unexpected costs that come with medical care and memorials. And guilt, spoken or not, often seeps into the spaces between you, adding weight to already heavy days.

Statistically, 30% of parents report feeling more negatively toward their spouse after losing a child. Nearly 1 in 5 husbands and 1 in 7 wives say their marriage deteriorated. And yet, around 72% of couples remain married in the years after child loss.

Attachment theory tells us that loss activates our core fears about abandonment, rejection, and being too much or not enough. You need your partner more than ever, and at the same time, you may feel unable to reach them.

How Grief Shows Up Differently in Each Partner

I cried in corners. He kept the fridge stocked. I wrote long journal entries. He checked on my breathing at night.

Different isn’t wrong. But when you’re hurting, it’s easy to interpret difference as distance,or worse, disinterest.

Therapists describe two broad styles: intuitive grievers, who tend to feel through their loss with tears, stories, and quiet aching; and instrumental grievers, who process by doing,organizing, fixing, showing up in action.

If you’re one and your partner is the other, misunderstandings can multiply. You might think, “You never talk about her,don’t you care?” while they silently think, “I can’t fall apart,someone has to keep the lights on.”

You might both feel alone, even in the same bed.

Understanding these patterns won’t erase the pain, but it can loosen the grip of blame. It can make space for compassion.

Common Myths That Hurt Couples in Grief

There are stories grief tells us, quietly, cruelly, that make things harder.

One of the most painful is the belief that we should grieve the same way. But that sameness doesn’t exist. Even in the same household, love and loss take different shapes.

Another myth: that if my partner looks strong, they must not be hurting. Often, strength is just armor.

And perhaps the most persistent myth of all is that time will fix this. But time doesn’t heal, attention does. Care does. Presence does.

And despite the common claim that most marriages don’t survive the death of a child, the truth is more hopeful. Research shows that 72% of bereaved couples remain together. Grief doesn’t make the decision for you,how you respond to each other does.

What the Research Shows

• 72% of couples stay together after losing a child.

• 30% report increased conflict or negative feelings toward their partner.

• Couples who talk openly or create rituals together often grow closer.

Building Bridges Instead of Walls

There’s no map for this journey. However, there are handrails: small practices that can steady you.

1. Set aside time for grief conversations. Not problem-solving, just space to say out loud what hurts and what helps. These moments don’t need to be long. What matters is consistency and safety. You might find that naming your pain aloud invites your partner’s presence, even if they don’t have the right words.

2. Consider creating rituals of remembrance together. In our home, we get a birthday cake and candles on her birthday. We say her name. Some nights we just sit with a photo, not speaking. These moments tether us, to her, and to each other.

3. Allow joy and life to co-exist with sorrow. Watch something funny. Go for a walk. Make dinner together. These aren’t betrayals of your child’s memory. They’re small signs that life is still here, and you’re still in it, together.

4. Check in on your relationship, not just the grief. Ask, “How are we doing, the two of us?” Let yourselves be partners again,not just co-survivors.

5. And when words are too hard, use physical presence. A hand on the back. A shared blanket. A long, quiet exhale together. These small gestures remind your respective nervous systems: I’m here. You’re not alone.

Reclaiming Intimacy

After loss, even touch can feel like a risk. For many of my clients, their desires for sex and affection can wax and wane during the grieving process. This is common, and it's okay.

Rebuilding physical closeness isn’t linear. Start small. A hand resting on a shoulder. Sitting close without expectation. Saying, “I miss you,” even if you’re not ready to do anything about it yet.

Talk about what’s hard. Let your partner know what feels safe, and what doesn’t, without shame.

Intimacy after grief isn’t about returning to “normal.” It’s about discovering what closeness looks like now, in the world that exists after.

Let it be slow. Let it be tender. Let it be enough.

When Professional Support Is Needed

Some pain is too heavy to carry without help. Therapy doesn’t mean you’re irrevocably broken. It means you’re tending to what matters.

Reach out when the conflict feels stuck on repeat, or when silence becomes the only language you share. If one of you feels shut out, or shut down. If you’re drifting farther than you want to be.

Therapies like EMDR, relational life couples therapy, or grief-informed work can make space for healing. Sometimes, having someone else hold the story with you makes it easier to speak, and to hear each other again.

Conclusion

As a therapist, I work with grieving parents both individually and as couples. Sometimes that grief is about child loss. But often, it’s other kinds of loss: infidelity, identity shifts, the grief of growing apart, or the ache of wanting to grow together through something hard. Grief doesn’t always wear black. And it doesn’t always come with a funeral. But it shows up in our relationships all the same. You don’t have to navigate it alone.

You can love each other and still feel lost. You can grieve differently and still stay together.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means weaving the loss into your shared life,thread by thread, with tenderness.

If you're ready to talk, I'm here. I work with clients in person in Edmond, OK, and offer telehealth sessions to individuals and couples across Vermont. Not to fix what can’t be fixed, but to help you carry it, together.

Take exquisite care of yourselves,

Megan

Sources

• Najman, J. M., Vance, J. C., Griffiths, R. F., & Yuen, E. Y. (1993). The impact of the death of a child on marital adjustment. Social Science & Medicine, 37(8), 1005–1010.

• Murphy, S. A., Johnson, L. C., & Lohan, J. (2003). Finding meaning in a child's violent death: A five-year prospective analysis of parents' personal narratives and empirical data. Death Studies, 27(5), 381–404.

• The Compassionate Friends. (2022). Myths and facts about grief. Retrieved from https://www.compassionatefriends.org

• TAPS Institute. (2021). Marriage after the death of a child. Retrieved from https://www.taps.org/articles/21-1/divorce

• Vance, J. C., et al. (2008). Psychological changes in parents eight years after the death of their infant. Pediatrics, 122(5), e1295–e1301.

• Reproductive Health Finland Study. (2017). The long-term impact of child loss on parental divorce and family planning. Retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28789590