Your Partner Said the D-Word (Divorce). Now What?

If you're here because your spouse or partner just asked for a divorce, and you're blindsided, I am sorry. In my therapy practice with couples, I have encountered this exact scenario many times before. One partner's flabbers are gasted, and the other person who initiated the separation conversation is saying things like, "This shouldn't be a surprise. I've been telling you for a long time now that I've been unhappy." And guess what? I believe both of you.

I believe that you, the shocked spouse, didn't know it was this bad. And I believe you, the partner that's had it, that it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse and you couldn't keep living this way any longer.

I get it: now that you're here, at the bitter end, you're hoping for a relationship resurrection (talking to you, Mr. I-Didn't-Know-She-Was-Serious), or the quiet, peaceful death of a marriage (Ms. If-You-Don't-Let-Me-Out-Of-Here-I-Will-Scream). Here's the thing: I don't advocate that a relationship needs to end or persist until I know the full story. Until I can see if there's anything left in the tank. Until I'm certain that both people are capable and willing to change. So, if you're reading this post, I'd like to give you some unsolicited (maybe it's solicited since The Google brought you here) advice:

Take an Honest Inventory of Your Own Behavior

I want to urge you both to take stock in what you've done (or not done) in this relationship. The surprised person reading this post needs to take rapid and intense accountability about your lack of care, your anger, your dismissiveness, your fears, your controlling behaviors, etc., regardless of if your partner leaves you. You must start recognizing where you've misstepped and then you must atone for these missteps, again, no matter what happens. You are atoning because it is the right thing to do, for yourself and for your partner.

For the fed up partner, you need to determine what boundaries you allowed your partner to cross, and figure out why. Even if you leave, this codependency (yup, I said it) isn't going anywhere. It will follow you into every 'Ever After' after this one. If you believe you stood up for yourself in the marriage and still weren't respected, ask yourself, "Did I ask directly for what I wanted?" No hinting. No complaining. Just direct requests with all that vulnerability just hanging out there. If not, why not?

Do All of the Work. With Everything You've Got.

If you decide to try — really try — then try like you mean it. None of this one-foot-in, one-foot-out, "I'm here but I'm not sure this is going to work" energy. Showing up to the appointments is not the same as showing up to the work. I can tell the difference between someone who's trying and someone who's just buying time. So can your partner.

Let your therapist lead. I know that's hard for the people in this room who have been white-knuckling control since approximately 1987. But the whole point of sitting across from a trained professional is that they can see things you can't — your patterns, your defenses, the stories you've been telling yourself so long you forgot they were stories.

And here's the part nobody warns you about: a huge chunk of this work has nothing to do with your partner. It has to do with you. The version of you that learned how to love — or not love, or love sideways and desperately — in your family of origin. The coping mechanisms that kept you safe as a kid that are now burning your marriage to the ground. The relational skills you never got to learn because nobody modeled them for you. Learning how to be relational — maybe for the first time in forever (quick, name that Disney movie!) — is part of the work. And it's some of the most important work you'll ever do.

(Frozen, by the way. The answer is Frozen.)

You are not broken. But some of what you learned about relationships is. And therapy, real therapy, done with abandon, is where you finally get to unlearn it.

Should You Try Couples Therapy When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce?

See, the thing is, most people enter couples therapy about six years too late. And some use it as a misery stabilizer — staying just long enough to feel like they're trying, without actually changing anything. That's not how I work. We pick a timeline, we do the hard thing, and then we honestly assess what's shifted. If nothing has? My advice isn't more patience. It's to change something significant. Therapy is a means to an end — and sometimes, the end is divorce.

You have three options: 1) Stay together and it gets wildly better, 2) Stay together and stay shittily the same, or 3) Leave/Separate/Divorce. And I'm not interested in working with couples who won't choose option 1 or 3 after some hard work and a period of time.

Decide What Kind of (Ex) Partners You Want to Be

If you are unwilling to reconcile (and heck, I wouldn't blame you), then decide what kind of co-parents or divorced people you want to be. You can be bitter or you can get better. You can't have it both ways.

Work towards a future where you can be in the same room at weddings. Where you can show up for each other in an emergency, even one that has nothing to do with your kids. Where you can genuinely wish the other person well when they find someone new. Not for them — for you. You can drag this resentment and anger and bitter betrayal of a reinto every room you ever walk into after this, or you can put it down. That's it. Those are the options.

Work towards being a more understanding and mature version of yourself, no matter what.

Ready to Do the Hard Thing?

If you're in this moment right now — shocked, or finally done, or somewhere in the terrifying middle — I work with couples at every stage of this conversation. Sometimes we save it. Sometimes we end it with intention and dignity. Either way, you don't have to figure it out alone. Book a couples consultation here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

"Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight Over and Over?" : A Couples Therapist Answers Your Most Burning Questions

"Oh, here we go again!"

"You never listen to me."

"This feels like we fight about this every single month."

Have any of those sentences come out of your mouth during a fight before? I bet they have, because if you're in a partnership, you're guaranteed some level of conflict as part of the emotional contract of two messy humans navigating life together.

I get this question a lot, as a couples therapist in Oklahoma: "Why do we keep having the same fight over and over again?" And the answer is complex and simple. HA. You thought it would be a basic answer, right? Nope, not in my therapy office.

What Does the Research Say About Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight?

What does the research say about fighting in relationships? Well, that it's common, and that handlind conflicts with intentionality and care make all the difference. It's more about how you fight, than what you fight about, per se.

In fact, The Gottman Institute, the premiere research body on marriage and relationships, has found that 69% of conflict in relationships involve what we call 'perpetual problems,' issues that are about fundamental differences in personality types, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs/wants. These problems tend to plague couples for the duration of a partnership. And what is considered a perpetual problem for one relationship would be a completely solvable issue for another.

To give a concrete example: a couple who has mismatched needs around alone time versus togetherness is dealing with a perpetual problem. It's a fundamental difference in how they're wired. A couple who keeps fighting about whose turn it is to call the plumber? That's solvable. The distinction matters, because the approach is different.

When I share this research with couples, their eyes often get really big and they say they feel "discouraged." To which I reply, "Why the discouragement? If it's a topic that comes up often, you are most likely dealing with one of your perpetual problems and that means that you can focus on finding a solution for the moment at hand (a temporary truce, if you will) and it means finding the emotional maturity within yourself to do the longer term work of deciding if this is something you can accept in your partnership for the rest of your life."

Why Needing to Be Right Keeps Couples Stuck in the Same Argument

Another major reason couples have the same fight over and over again is that each person is prioritizing the need to be right. This is the first of the Five Losing Strategies in relationships, identified by therapist Terry Real. Wanting to be right in an argument keeps people stuck in the cycle of disagreement, because most fights aren't cut-and-dry issues with a clear right and wrong. The fight is a clash between two equally valid (notice I didn't say 'true' or 'right') viewpoints. When we're both fighting to win, we're missing out on the ability to stay connected. You can be right or you can be connected. You cannot have both at the same time.

When you work on the part of you that wants to be right, suddenly what used to be a high 'heat' topic is now at a lower temperature when you discuss it, especially when you're prioritizing your intimacy over your agenda. The questions I ask couples to consider before they are about to enter into a fight or disagreement is, "What is it that I want to get out of this?" and "Is what I'm about to do going to get me more of what I want?"

Once this skill is ingrained, you start being what we call in RLT 'relationally mindful,' recognizing how everything you do and say in the relationship contributes, either positively or negatively, to your relationship's ecosystem. If you want an ecosystem clogged with smog and pollution, then, by all means, keep insisting that your viewpoint is right and your partner's is wrong. But... if you want a relational ecosystem with clean, crisp and clear air, then you're going to have to let go of the need to be right.

The Missing Piece: Relational Contracts

The final reason I notice that people get stuck in the same arguments is because they aren't creating contracts or agreements ahead of time. Contracting in a close relationship is a necessary skill. Here's what it may sound like: "Hey honey, I know we are going to see your parents this weekend. I'd like to keep our time there to under 4 hours. Is that okay with you if we leave at the four hour mark, so I can have some time to recharge this weekend as well?" And if your partner agrees, then you have a contract in place.

Contracts protect you in two ways: 1) it makes it difficult for your partner to take a victim position, because they agreed to the contract, and 2) and it makes expectations and commitments clear. Contracts are about behavior, not feelings or thoughts, and they work the best when they have specific behaviors targeted and are close-ended. We don't have eternal contracts.

So Why Do You Keep Having the Same Fight?

So there you have it. You keep having the same fight because some of your conflicts are perpetual problems — fundamental differences that aren't meant to be "solved," so much as navigated with grace. You keep having the same fight because one or both of you is prioritizing being right over staying connected. And you keep having the same fight because nobody sat down ahead of time and made a clear agreement.

The good news? All three of these are workable. Not overnight, and not without some discomfort — but workable. If you're tired of the same argument on repeat, the change doesn't start with your partner. It starts with you deciding that your relationship matters more than winning an argument. And if you need some help getting there, well — that's exactly what I'm here for.

If you'd like to explore what couples therapy with me might look like and you're located in Oklahoma or Vermont, please feel free to email me at info@giftofgritcounseling.com or schedule a free 20 minute virtual consultation here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

10 Fantastic Ways to Get Less of What You Want in Your Relationships

Let's be honest, most of us have done at least one of these. And if you haven't, you probably know someone who has (maybe you're even living with them). Spoiler alert: I've done all 10 of them at one point or another in my 10-year marriage, and I'm a licensed therapist who sees couples for a living. So don't lie to me and tell me you've never pulled one of these in your own relationship. I know you. You know you. (Quick! Name that movie!)

I work with people every day who are deeply frustrated in their relationships. They often believe their partner is the problem, yet they unknowingly run plays straight from the How to Sabotage Your Relationship playbook. So in the spirit of a little loving humor, here are 10 fantastic ways to guarantee you get *less* of what you actually want, and because I'm a giver, what to do instead to get more of what you want in your relationships.

1. Insist on Being Right, ESPECIALLY When It Doesn't Matter

If you win the argument but lose the relationship... that's still a win, right?

You: "Well, you said you were going to do XYZ and you didn't."

Partner: "I didn't say that. I don't remember ever saying that." (Okay, and here we go, off to the races!)

Being right and being close are often competing goals. When you prioritize winning over connecting, you send your partner the message that your ego matters more than the relationship. People don't tend to feel warm and fuzzy toward someone who just defeated them. Choose connection over correctness, and your relationship will thank you.

2. Try to Control Your Partner's Actions, Thoughts, or Feelings

Bonus points if you insist you're just trying to "help."

Here's the hard truth: you cannot control another person. You can influence, you can request, you can set boundaries, but control is an illusion that costs you intimacy. The more you try to manage your partner, the more they feel like a project rather than a person. And nobody wants to be someone's project.

It's also often a sign of codependency, according to the great Pia Mellody. She calls it 'negative control': "whenever I give myself permission to determine for another person what he or she should look like (including dress or body size), or think, feel, and do or not do." (p. 46, Facing Codependence). It can also work in reverse. You may think you know what the other person's reality is and influence your own behavior, thoughts, and feelings to reflect their reality. Control is a sign that your internal boundaries are porous, at best.

3. Say Whatever You're Feeling in the Heat of the Moment

Because every thought deserves an audience. No filter, no repair plan! Saying whatever you're thinking, especially when you're angry, is mean. Just plain mean. While what you're saying to your spouse may be true, you need to ask yourself: "Will saying this out loud get me closer to what I want?" or "What will what I'm about to say feel like to hear?" If the answers are, respectively, no and bad, then you shouldn't say it. Period.

Emotional flooding is real. When we're activated, we are not our wisest selves. The things said in the heat of the moment have a long shelf life. Long after the fight is over, those words linger. Pause. Breathe. Come back when you can speak from your values, not your wrecked nervous system. You'll get more traction if you learn to speak with wisdom and not with harshness.

4. Punish Them (But From the Moral High Ground)

Why heal when you can get even? The logic goes: if I hurt them the way they hurt me, they'll finally understand. But this just creates a cycle of mutual wounding. Nobody learns empathy from being injured. Retaliation dressed up as justice is still retaliation.

I also label this one as passive aggression. If you aren't saying out loud why you are or are not doing something in your relationship as a way to 'get your partner's attention' or to 'help them understand what it feels like,' you're being passive-aggressive. Full stop.

5. Shut Down. Walk Away. Ghost From Inside the Relationship.

Nothing says "I care" like radio silence when they need you most.

Stonewalling is one of the most corrosive patterns in relationships. When we emotionally disappear (i.e., go silent, become robotic, or physically leave without repair), we leave our partner with no way to connect, no way to fix it, and a growing sense of abandonment. Taking space to regulate is healthy. Disappearing as punishment is not.

6. Always Assume the Worst

Late to dinner? Probably hates you now. Trash not taken out? They obviously don't love you enough to remember.

When we operate from a scarcity mindset, constantly interpreting neutral or ambiguous behavior as evidence of rejection or disrespect, we create conflict out of nothing. Most of the time, people are just busy, forgetful, or tired. Assume positive intent as often as you reasonably can. It changes everything.

7. Expect Mind Reading

Let miscommunication lead the way! Perfect your passive-aggressive craft. Say "I'm fine" when you clearly aren't. Slam cabinets. Give the silent treatment. Make them guess what they did wrong.

If your partner has to decode your behavior like a puzzle to know what you need, the bar for connection has been set impossibly high. Clarity is kindness. Saying what you actually feel and need — even when it's vulnerable — is far more effective than hoping they figure it out on their own.

8. Keep Score Like It's the Olympic Finals

"He got a night out with friends in '21 — I get three in '25." "She only mowed the lawn once this year, so I'm going to stop doing my share and see if she notices."

Scorekeeping turns a partnership into a competition. And in a competition, someone always loses. If the goal is fairness, have that conversation directly. If the goal is to win, ask yourself what exactly you're winning, and consider what you might be losing in the process.

9. Apologize Only If They Apologize First

And even then, make sure you apologize for their feelings, not your actions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology. It's a deflection wearing an apology costume.

Taking genuine accountability, owning what you did, without a "but," and without waiting for them to go first, is one of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship. It requires humility. It also requires grit.

10. Lead with Anger

Start the conversation with a complaint, or better yet, a full-on accusation. "You NEVER listen." "Are you even TRYING?" Yell first, reflect later. Escalation never got anyone closer to feeling heard.

When we lead with anger, we immediately trigger our partner's defenses. The content of what we're saying, even if it's valid, gets buried under the delivery. Nobody hears the message when they're busy protecting themselves. Start soft. Lead with your vulnerability, not your frustration.

So What Actually Works to Get More of What You Want in Relationships?

If you want more love, safety, and joy in your relationships, therapist and author Terry Real offers a pretty clear roadmap:

• Speak with love and clarity — say what you mean without weaponizing it

• Value connection over being right — let go of the scoreboard

• Repair ruptures quickly — don't let things fester

• Own your part — every conflict has two people in it

• Move toward your partner, not away — choose closeness, even when it's hard

  
  

Relationships take real work. They take the willingness to look at your own patterns, soften your defenses, and show up even when it's uncomfortable. That's grit in its finest form, and connection is the path to recovery. Trauma is disconnection. Recovery is reconnection. Let's help you reconnect, together.

If any of this resonated with you and you're ready to do the work, Gift of Grit Counseling is here for it. Follow along *@giftofgritcounseling for more

The Importance of Self-Care in Relationships

Taking care of yourself is essential. When you prioritize your well-being, you bring your best self to the relationship. Self-care isn't selfish; it's necessary. It allows you to show up fully for your partner.

Building Trust Through Vulnerability

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Being vulnerable can be scary, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. When you share your fears and insecurities, you invite your partner to do the same. This mutual openness fosters a deeper connection.

The Role of Communication

Effective communication is key. It’s not just about talking; it’s about listening, too. Make space for your partner to express themselves. When both partners feel heard, the relationship flourishes.

Embracing Change Together

Change is a part of life. Embracing it together can strengthen your bond. Support each other through transitions, whether they’re big or small. This shared journey can deepen your connection.

Conclusion: The Path to a Healthier Relationship

Relationships can be challenging, but they can also be incredibly fulfilling. By recognizing and changing sabotaging behaviors, you can create a healthier dynamic. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Let’s take this journey together.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Megan