New Series: A Therapist "Ruins" Your Favorite Movies

Hi friends! I hope your holiday season (if you celebrate) is cheery and bright. If it's not those things or is not what you expected, know that you have my sincerest warm wishes for you and yours this time of year and all year round.

Today, I thought we would delve into a fun new series called 'A Therapist "Ruins" Your Favorite Movies,' where I break down the psychological issues and mistakes within various movies beloved by most people. If you've ever wondered what a therapist thinks of a certain movie, send it my way. I'd love to watch it and give my thoughts. A slight disclaimer: I actually don't watch a lot of movies. My husband is a major movie buff and can name actors in films and discuss movies he has seen a million times. Me, however? If you ask me if I've seen something, the answer is probably no. So this will be a fun experiment for me as well.

The first movie I've selected for us to examine more closely is the much beloved holiday movie "Home Alone," written and produced by John Hughes. For those who don't know the premise (and in this case, even I, a non-movie watcher, know the premise), Kevin, an 7 year old boy in a large well to do American family is left behind accidentally when his family takes a trip to Paris for the Christmas season. While he is home alone, he has to care for himself and defend the home against two wily burglars with all sorts of hijinks and booby traps. As a child, I recall laughing at how funny the pranks were and finding the whole movie to be a joy to watch from start to finish. As an adult and a mental health therapist, I found it to be a different experience this time around. I turned on the movie early this past Saturday morning to share it with my kiddo, and I have to say there were several things in the film that I found astounding/appalling. For the sake of brevity, we will identify three themes in "Home Alone" below.

First, can we just address that the way the family talks to Kevin and to each other is the opposite of kind and loving? In fact, I would argue that at multiple points in the first 15 minutes, Hughes establishes a consistent pattern of emotional neglect and abusive language in the McCallister family. When I had watched this movie previously, I would laugh at these opening scenes because they were funny, and judging from the rest of the audience's reaction, I wasn't the only one who found the chaos humorous. I sometimes wonder if we all were laughing because we recognized that this is the way most families talk to each other and it hurts to acknowledge the damage it might be doing or might have done to us as children. Kevin is described as "bratty" but I would argue that he had to be behave like a brat to get anybody to notice him and try and get his needs met. It's like I tell parents (and myself sometimes, because I'm a parent too) "If you tell your child they're a brat, they will behave like a brat. If you notice only the bad, you will only get more bad behavior." Nobody in this family notices the good. Nobody speaks to each other kindly. The children bully each other, and the adults allow it to go unchecked.

Second, Kevin is little, and as such, exhibits a large and creative imagination. He imagines the furnace is alive. He sees the nutcrackers singing a demonic version of 'Silent Night.' Kevin believes Buzz, his older brother, who spins an elaborate tale about their neighbor Mr. Marley being a serial killer. Without kind, loving, secure adults, a child, like Kevin, can quickly blow something they've heard or seen out of proportion. This emphasizes something I think we forget as adults: children are afraid of many things that seem normal or routine to us. I have to thank Hughes for this reminder, because sometimes it can be hard to be patient with children when they seem to be afraid of something that isn't scary necessarily to you. Fear, however, is a driving emotion for all human beings, and we would do well to remember that the fear a small child feels is the same fear adults feel, just about different things.

Third, while the McCallister family had some grave missteps in the beginning of the movie, there was an opportunity for redemption at the end. Kate, Kevin's mother, moves heaven and earth to get back to her son once she realizes he is at home alone. Kevin works to protect the family home, despite wishing for his family to disappear at the beginning of the movie. He wishes for his mother to come back to him. The most touching scene in the movie is between Mr. Marley and Kevin in the church. Kevin realizes that he has "not been a good boy" this year, and Mr. Marley encourages Kevin to 'confess' to a higher power and ask for what he needs. Kevin also learns, contrary to popular belief, that Marley had a life with a family and children and grandchildren in it. The rumors of him being a serial killer seem untrue. He reports he misses his wife, and Kevin listens thoughtfully to an old man, who needs to talk about how much he desires to be with his family again, thus solidifying a redemption arc for American families everywhere. Even when we treat each other poorly, fall out of touch, miss the mark as parents, or neglect our love for one another, there is always time for those behaviors and patterns to change. Until there isn't any time left, like in Marley's case.

To sum it up, "Home Alone" has both good and bad themes in it, psychologically. The main theme of being together and valuing relationships is one that stands out as a positive takeaway. Let's all hope for working towards finding value and peace in our relationships in the new year. We can be 'home alone' but why would you want to be? If you need help working towards that goal or any others, feel free to email me at info@giftofgritcounseling.com.

Gratitude and Grit

Hello, hello! Since we are coming up on Thanksgiving/are in the month of thankfulness, I thought it might be helpful to discuss how gratitude and grit go together. But in order to do that, I have to tell you a little story.

Choosing a private practice name is a lot like choosing a name for a child. It takes time, and it often feels like the end of the world if you choose incorrectly. The name of my private practice, Gift of Grit Counseling, came to me while I was thinking about the indomitable human spirit, the part of human beings that never gives up or gives in, despite incredible odds. I call this trait 'grit' and we can only obtain it by going through tough times. The idea of being grateful for our grit is where the 'gift of' name of the practice came in. Thus, 'Gift of Grit' simply stands for being able to thank our past selves for their ability to keep going and build resiliency, even when the temptation to search for an escape hatch was almost unbearable. For me personally, when I lost my first child to a fatal birth defect, and then had 3 subsequent miscarriages in 2017-2018, I would have cussed at you if you had told me I would be grateful someday for the resiliency I developed in those hard times. It would have felt like you were trivializing how rocky my road was.

Grit is actually being studied as a personality trait that can be developed. Angela Duckworth, a psychologist, has created a "Grit Scale," in which you can test your own level of grittiness. She summarizes through her research that grit may be a better predictor of success than intelligence! For example, 'at the elite United States Military Academy, West Point, a cadet's grit score was the best predictor of success in the rigorous summer training program known as "Beast Barracks." Grit mattered more than intelligence, leadership ability or physical fitness.' If so, that means you can change your circumstances by improving your grit.

There seems to be a misunderstanding that if you're grateful for your grit or resiliency, that must mean you have to be grateful for your trauma that helped you develop it. I'm here to say that you don't have to exhibit gratitude for bad things happening to you. You don't have to say, "Wow, thank you, Universe/God/etc., for losing a child, feeling suicidal, being abused, going through addiction, being cheated on, going through a divorce, etc., because I am SO glad I got to learn how to be more resilient." Instead, you can say, "Whew, that shit was hard, but I am here to say it gets better, and I'm thankful I got to witness and live in 'the better part.' That's gratitude and grit coming together.

Gratitude also doesn't mean that you have to be around or put up with abusive or toxic situations anymore. You can be thankful for the lesson, without engaging with the teacher again, especially if it is physically or emotionally unsafe for you. If you need an out this holiday season, I'm writing here to give you one: You don't have to spend time with family if they make you crazy. If someone drives you crazy, stop giving them the keys to your car.

Finally, developing grit/resiliency doesn't mean you're automatically healed from your past. If that were the case, therapists would be out of a job. Healing may take time, but it also takes care. Care from a professional healer is a good place to start. Maybe your goal this holiday season is just to make it through. That is totally fine. But after the holidays, if you're still feeling 'ick' from your traumas, it may be time to reach out for help. You can be grateful and still be grinding away those messages of lack and pain from the past.

Protect your grit, your grace and your peace this season.

Take care of yourself and those you love,

What Makes You SAD?

You're probably wondering why I capitalized 'SAD' in the title above. It's because while I would love to talk about sadness in general, today I'm writing about Seasonal Affective Disorder. In the wake of the time change this past weekend, I found myself thinking about how the patterns of darkness and light affect a portion of the world's population.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or Major Depressive Disorder with Seasonal Pattern (as it's known in the DSM-5, the diagnostic manual therapists use) occurs in four times as many women as it does men, and disproportionately affects people who live further from the equator. Unbeknownst to many, there are two major patterns of SAD, with one being the 'winter blues,' which is more commonly spoken about, and the other is labeled 'summer seasonal pattern disorder.'

The winter pattern of SAD is marked by sad mood, low energy, frequent bouts of crying, withdrawal from social situations, cravings for carbohydrates and sugars, subsequent weight gain, and possibly suicidal thoughts. People who experience the winter blues typically have higher levels of melatonin and trouble regulating their serotonin levels due to increased SERT proteins. You can read more about that here. Vitamin D levels are naturally lower in the winter due to people spending less time outside. Circadian rhythms, our pattern of sleep and waking, are changed in the fall and winter as sunlight becomes scarce. We find that people hibernate during the winter slightly, much like animals do, probably to the detriment of our health. All of these factors are believed to be part of the cause for SAD for the general population.

Symptoms for the 'summer seasonal pattern' of Seasonal Affective Disorder are poor appetite leading to weight loss, insomnia, agitation, restlessness and anxiety. This pattern of SAD is less common, but may give answers to some clients who find that they struggle in the summer especially. Given that we are headed towards winter, the focus of today's post will be on how to manage the winter pattern of SAD in the coming months.

Treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder may involve an antidepressant prescription (I know of people who obtain a prescription every fall in preparation), light therapy, Vitamin D supplementation, and counseling. My recommendations to all clients who find their mood affected by the winter blues are as follows:

• Find small ways to obtain and sustain joy. Buy a new candle. Decorate early for the holidays. Tend to your houseplants. Get cozy blankets and build a fire in your fireplace. Hunkering down doesn't have to feel like drudgery.

• Go outside anyways. There is a saying that my family lives by: 'There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.' We aim for an hour outside per day in the winter months, and 3 or more hours a day in the spring and summer. Research shows that bad weather is actually good for you.

• Eat good foods, move your body for 20 minutes per day purposefully, and get enough sleep.

• Set an alarm and wake up at the same time every day. Yes, even on the weekends.

• Remember that winter doesn't last forever, and your depression symptoms can be managed through counseling. Give me a call or email me if you want assistance with this step.

Seasonal affective disorder doesn't have to run your life this winter. You can feel better and do more, even when your mind and body want you to do less. Know that I'm rooting for you!

Take exquisite care of yourself and your family,