2023: The Year of Consistency

Hi friends! Happy New Year! Maybe you're like me and you've tried new year's resolutions in the past with limited success, or lots of failure. Or perhaps you're tired of the rhetoric around the "New Year, New Me!" Regardless, it's okay to just focus on living and not trying to revolutionize yourself every cycle around the sun. However, you may enjoy picking an area of focus for the year. Or you like the refreshment that comes with a new year. I'm trying to find the sweet spot between the two camps: doing nothing, and doing everything (for about 9 days and then giving up-real talk!).

Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash

I thought I would share my area of focus this year. (Just in case you were curious what therapists focus on every year... LOL.) I can tell you I'm human just like you. I've gained and lost weight countless times. I still can't quite get organized. I still save money haphazardly. My laundry piles are freakin' everywhere. I'm not perfect, and so my focus for the year isn't perfection. My word for 2023 is "consistency." What does this entail? To me, it means showing up, day in and day out. For example, I'm focusing less on exercise and more on joyful movement, which sounds much more appealing, in my humble opinion. I'm tracking my meals and snacks, not to lose weight, but instead to work on being more aware. I'm being consistent in my mindfulness and spirituality/prayer practices. I'm making a 'to-do' list of just 3-5 things per day, and I'm working on accomplishing those. I'm spending some time outside every. single. day. I'm not punishing myself with mean thoughts or harsh criticisms when I don't measure up. Because with consistency being the focus, the only way I don't measure up is if I don't show up at all. I can do this. You can, too.

If you need permission from a therapist to choose a "boring" resolution, like mine, here it is. You don't have to lose weight, make six figures, write the next great American novel, dump that shitty boyfriend (okay, but you do need to do that!), or chase perfection this year. You don't have to prove your value by setting lofty goals. You are worthy simply by existing. Resolutions should be something that enhances your experience of your existence, not something else that makes you feel 'less than.' Life is best experienced by simply being, and giving ourselves the space to start fresh over and over again, without beating ourselves up for needing to do so. Choosing a 'word' or a focus for the new year might be just what you need.

Here are some helpful thoughts from your friendly local neighborhood therapist to assist you in shifting focus this year:

• I am worthy of love and belonging.

• My circumstances will change but my contentment will remain the same.

• I work hard, and I deserve to rest.

• I am enough.

• I show my family I love them daily through my words, my actions, and my thoughts.

• I am grateful for all that I have and all that I will come to have.

• Boundaries are my new best friend.

• I know that the right people, relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc., will come to me.

• I am always working towards who I am meant to be.

• "Be who God meant to be, and you will set the world on fire." (I stole this one from St. Catherine of Siena, but man is it a good one!!)

If you are looking for assistance in finding your 'focus' this year, or further your healing, feel free to email me at info@giftofgritcounseling.com. I'd love to chat with you, and see if I can help you find the sweet spot between resolutions and results, with a big dose of peace and joy added in.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Ruining Your Favorite Movies: Good Will Hunting

Hello friends! I hope you are taking time to rest these upcoming weeks this winter. Here in Oklahoma, we are expecting an "artic blast" of cold air that quite frankly, can take a hike as far as I'm concerned. If it could be Spring and Summer year round, I would be a happy girl.

Anyways, you're not here to talk about the weather, are you? You're here to see what movie I "ruin" with the therapist perspective. Next up, 'Good Will Hunting' with Matt Damon and Robin Williams. I can honestly say that the first time I saw this movie was when my husband said, "Let's watch this. You've never seen it." And I think I remember rolling my eyes and agreeing reluctantly. But, wow! Talk about a movie with both heart and tons of interesting themes for us to pick apart in this blog post.

For the sake of time, we'll stick with three themes I noticed, and I'll give a very brief synopsis. In 'Good Will Hunting,' we follow the story of Will Hunting, a young mathematical genius, who has just been paroled and is working as a janitor at MIT. A professor there, Dr. Lambeau, poses a difficult equation on the board outside his classroom for his students to solve. Will solves it, but is chased off by Lambeau who thinks he is vandalizing the board. Will gets into a gang fight, and in order to avoid further jail time, agrees to study mathematics with Lambeau and attend psychotherapy sessions. He proceeds to mock every therapist that Lambeau throws his way. Thus enters Dr. Sean Maguire, played by Robin Williams. Will attempts to do what he has always done, push Sean away, and Sean eventually gradually gets him to open up slowly. There's a love story sprinkled in there, and a tale of growing up. It's worth the watch, seriously.

Theme #1: Your therapist is human, with real emotions and real reactions to the things you say. If you've ever wondered what your therapist really thinks of you, you're not alone. Will, in his first real appointment with Sean, does everything he can to push him away. He even insults the painting Sean has completed, saying, "It's a real piece of shit." Sean takes most of this in stride, but when Will goes too far, insinuating that Sean "married the wrong woman," and says, "She leave you? Was she bangin' somebody else?" Now, this is where it gets interesting, Sean loses his temper, grabs Will by the throat and says, "If you ever disrespect my wife like that again, I will end you." Safe to say, that probably wouldn't happen, or shouldn't happen, in today's therapy room. But here's the thing, your therapist does have thoughts and feelings and they do feel things in reaction to what you say. We aren't perfect, and while I would hope your therapist never reacts this way to something you say, it is good to recognize that we are all acting out our own 'stuff' within the therapeutic relationship. In Will's case, he is acting out his feelings of anger towards men/father figures. In Sean's case, he is seeing the boy from Southie that he could have become, and he is being asked to confront his own grief and loss through this relationship. Therapy is a two-way street. Any therapist who tells you they are able to remain completely objective all the time is lying to you. (Sorry if I just told some therapists' dirty little secrets by sharing that!)

Theme #2: You don't have to like your therapist all the time to see results. However, you do have to show up and have some level of vulnerability. You don't have to share every horrible thought, Doesn't have to be all at once, but eventually, if you want things to work, you have to let someone in. Here's the thing though: you can try different therapists, but soon, you will realize that you don't have to like your therapist all the time to get better. You just need a therapist who is willing to call you out on your shit and wade with you through the tough stuff. Sean calls out Will in a later scene after the throat grab and basically says to him, "You're a scared little boy, and I don't want to quote books with you, or hypnotize you or battle with you (which is what all the other therapists did in the beginning of the movie). I just want to get to know you, the real you. I'm all in then." Sean's monologue in this scene is a perfect example of what the other therapists missed: the opportunity to 'level' with your client. Sean tells Will like it is, and then posits a challenge for him. He eloquently says, "Shit or get off the pot. Be here with me, vulnerable and real, or don't bother." I bet Will didn't like him in that moment too much. I bet you've had moments where you didn't like your therapist too much, but hey, that's the price of a real relationship. Sometimes you don't like someone and you can still see the value in your time spent with them. In fact, I would argue that's when therapy gets real, that's when you get better, that's when you make moves: when you and your therapist encounter truth together.

Theme #3: It's not your fault. What happened to you isn't your fault. Arguably the most poignant moment of the movie is when Sean is looking over Will's file, detailing all the abuse he suffered at the hands of a past foster father. Sean shares some of his own past history of abuse with Will, because Will asks the question, "Have you experienced that?" Sean, in a moment of self-disclosure, tells the truth about his story of abuse at the hands of his father. Then he repeats to Will over and over again, "It's not your fault." Will attempts to brush this aside, play it off; at one point, he even pushes Sean and says, "Don't fuck with me, not you." Then the cathartic release of tears cascade down his face. They embrace. How many of us have longed for someone, anyone, to tell us that bad things that happened to us in childhood (abandonment, neglect, abuse, divorce, seeing violence, etc.) are not and were not our fault? Well, I'm here to tell you that right now: "It's not your fault. Fuck them." Just like Sean and Will. Your value and worth did not diminish because someone else hurt you, beat you, violated your boundaries, or ignored you. It's not your fault, and you deserve(d) better. Going to therapy is part of "getting better" now. You can't change what happened to you, but you can change the message those events keep echoing in your heart and soul. Transforming "It's my fault" and "I'm not enough" and "I'm too much" to "It's not my fault; I was little; I did the best I could; I'm enough; I deserve good things; I am just right for the right people and relationships."

So... short story long, like my dad always says, go watch 'Good Will Hunting' with renewed eyes and see if you notice any other themes popping up for you. If you need help finding a therapist or want to talk further, send me an email at info@giftofgritcounseling.com. I'd love to connect!

What is a 'good' reason to live?

Hello friends. I hope you are well and taking good care of yourself. These weeks in the holiday season can feel frantic and hurried. And then the weeks afterwards can feel slow, monotonous and dark.

Thus, I thought it might be interesting to discuss a question that has come up during sessions often when I speak with a person who is feeling suicidal. The question is different at times in its wording, but the meaning is the same: "What is a 'good' reason to live?" And the answer is any reason to live is a good one. Sometimes, I think that people who are chronically suicidal think that they're just fooling themselves, or 'delaying the inevitable,' by remembering their reasons to live. I once heard someone tell me that the only thing keeping them here was their dog, and I replied, "And right now, that's enough."

See, that's the secret in creating a life worth living.

It's taking stock of the tiny incremental steps toward life and away from a self-imposed death. It's recognizing that any reason for living is a 'good' reason, and you are not 'putting off the inevitable' if you put off suicide today because of your dog, your spouse, your belief in a higher power, your need to see how the current season of your favorite TV show ends, etc.

It's not punishing yourself if you can't see yourself making it to a certain age or stage in life, but instead saying, "I choose to make it to tomorrow."

It's continuing to be curious about what being suicidal keeps you from doing, and how straddling the line between life and death may be keeping you stuck.

It's about building a life worth living, which often means getting really deep into what is keeping you focused on death and its siren call of escapism. Remove the things you want to escape from, and add more of the things that make you want to live, even if for a tiny amount of time. More time alive means more time to reduce your suicidal thoughts and ultimately save your life.

It's being proud of yourself when you are able to manage your suicidal thoughts or have whole days or weeks without them. That is huge. Thinking about suicide was a way you used to cope, and now you are replacing it with other options.

It's riding the waves of suicidal thoughts without acting on them. In the therapy business, we call it 'urge surfing,' but essentially it's just seeing the urge or feeling and not doing anything else with it. You can urge surf with almost anything, by the way. If you feel the urge to drink tonight, or overeat, you can see it, not act on it, and wait for it to pass. Every urge or feeling will pass in time. Sometimes, we need extra help with urge surfing, because we are struggling to separate ourselves from our feelings. That's okay too. Learning not to act on all of our feelings or urges takes time. We must do the opposite of whatever impulse tells us to do in a dark moment. For example, if you want to hurt yourself, you might instead do something completely opposite of that such as cook yourself a nice meal, take a walk or get a massage. If you want to destroy things, you might try creating something instead.

It's reaching out for help when you are in immediate danger of going over the edge. The National Crisis Lifeline number is 988. You can call/text it anytime, day or night.

If you love someone in the depths of despair, take heart. As Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, says in her memoir 'Building a Life Worth Living,' “If you are with someone who is in hell, keep loving them, because in the end it will be transformative. They are like someone walking in a mist. They don’t see the mist, and you may not see it, either. They don’t see that they are getting wet. But if they have a pail for water, you put it out in the mist. Each moment of love adds to the mist, adds to the water in the pail. By itself, each moment of love may not be enough. But ultimately the pail fills and the person who has been in hell will be able to drink that water of love and be transformed. I know. I have been there. I have drunk from that pail.”

Know that I am rooting for you, whether you are the one suffering or the one who holds the sufferer. Keep going. Keep hoping. Keep holding onto that part of you that wants to live, no matter how small. That part deserves a chance.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan