Hi friends! I hope you are all doing well. Remember when I did the blog posts where a therapist ruins your favorite movies... Well, I'm baccccccckkkkkk!
And I'm here to discuss the good, bad and the ugly related to the newest blockbuster, 'It Ends with Us,' the film adaptation of the novel by Colleen Hoover. First off, can we leave space to acknowledge all of the drama between Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni? WHOA.
Okay, but you wanted to hear my thoughts on the movie. A few caveats: the book and the movie are about intimate partner violence, so if you go into the film thinking it's going to be a lighthearted comedy or romance, you will be sorely disappointed. There are a few scenes that I think could be very triggering to women, and so I am putting that information in this post. If you don't want any spoilers, now is the time to stop reading.
The Good:
The film showcases how persistent and charming an abusive partner can be for many months, until they get their partner 'locked down' in some way (in a relationship, living together, marriage, expecting a child together, etc.) before showing their true colors.
The violence starts out as 'accidents,' a common technique used by abusive partners in order to make survivors question reality and their sanity. It's like gaslighting but on overload.
Generational patterns of abuse are shown, which is often missing from film or creative depictions of trauma.
When Lily asked her mother why she didn't leave her father, her mother states, "It would've been harder to leave... and I loved him." This illustrates the complexity of emotions survivors feel when considering the prospect of leaving. If you're interested in more commentary as to why people stay in these relationships, please have a listen to the podcast "Why She Stayed," hosted by Grace Stuart, who is a survivor and domestic violence advocate. I think she eloquently approaches this subject matter in her podcast and in her Instagram Account @gracestuart26 as well.
The Bad:
While I'm grateful that the level of violence shown onscreen wasn't the same level of violence written in the novel, I will say that the power/control dynamics were not displayed well, or at all. Perpetrators of abuse don't start the cycle of abuse by hitting you accidentally. They start it by tearing you down verbally, isolating you from trusted family or friends, lying to you/manipulating you, and then treating you with kindness or acting as if it's 'all good' the next day. I won't say this is how all relationships with IPV or DV present, but the majority are not like the movie.
If the story were more accurate, Ryle (the abusive partner) would have come in, swept Lily off her feet (which he did) and then slowly disintegrated her relationships, made her question her self-worth, and then perhaps even discouraged her from owning a business. A perpetrator's goal is high levels of power and control within the relationship. A woman owning her own business and thus having a means of power (and access to escape) would be a threat to the abuser. Abusers eliminate all threats to their power and control systemically and slowly.
When Lily tells Ryle she wants a divorce, she tells him while holding their child with no witnesses present. None. And yes, I know it's more dramatic this way, but is completely unsafe. If you are leaving an abusive relationship, do not tell them in person alone. Ever. Create an escape plan, leave and don't tell them where you are. Serve them with papers and never, ever be alone with them again.
When Lily leaves, we only see Ryle call once and text a few times. in reality, this would have been the moment that the stalking would have began, if not before.
Lily's best friend, who is Ryle's sister, tells her to leave him, and they remain friends. While I loved the girl power moment, in most instances, family members of perpetrators tend to side with the abuser. Think of how our society acts when we find out a man has been accused of multiple years of sexual misconduct or abuse. I can hear the chorus of "He's such a good guy. I just can't believe it." The good guy image is a facade and families and friends believe it because they haven't lived close enough to see the person underneath the mask.
The Ugly:
The violence scenes are intense, particularly one scene where Ryle attempts to sexually assault Lily. The depiction is intense and scary, and had me wanting to crawl out of my seat. Beware if you have a trauma history, this may be too much for you at this point in your recovery.
There was also no trigger warning or information provided at the beginning or end of the film directing people to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the YWCA. I'm going to link those here.
In short, the movie 'It Ends with Us' does some things well, and some things poorly. A film with this subject matter has a certain responsibility to portray things accurately or at the very least, provide connection to resources. This film did neither. If you want to go see it, go with my blessing, but go in with your eyes open. May we all have the courage to support our friends, our sisters, our mothers, our aunts, when they try to leave and say, "It ends with me." And if you're in need of help ending the cycle yourself, find a good therapist who has knowledge of power and control dynamics and can support you during the abuse cycle, and in subsequent recovery.
Take exquisite care of yourself,
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