Your Partner Said the D-Word (Divorce). Now What?

If you're here because your spouse or partner just asked for a divorce, and you're blindsided, I am sorry. In my therapy practice with couples, I have encountered this exact scenario many times before. One partner's flabbers are gasted, and the other person who initiated the separation conversation is saying things like, "This shouldn't be a surprise. I've been telling you for a long time now that I've been unhappy." And guess what? I believe both of you.

I believe that you, the shocked spouse, didn't know it was this bad. And I believe you, the partner that's had it, that it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse and you couldn't keep living this way any longer.

I get it: now that you're here, at the bitter end, you're hoping for a relationship resurrection (talking to you, Mr. I-Didn't-Know-She-Was-Serious), or the quiet, peaceful death of a marriage (Ms. If-You-Don't-Let-Me-Out-Of-Here-I-Will-Scream). Here's the thing: I don't advocate that a relationship needs to end or persist until I know the full story. Until I can see if there's anything left in the tank. Until I'm certain that both people are capable and willing to change. So, if you're reading this post, I'd like to give you some unsolicited (maybe it's solicited since The Google brought you here) advice:

Take an Honest Inventory of Your Own Behavior

I want to urge you both to take stock in what you've done (or not done) in this relationship. The surprised person reading this post needs to take rapid and intense accountability about your lack of care, your anger, your dismissiveness, your fears, your controlling behaviors, etc., regardless of if your partner leaves you. You must start recognizing where you've misstepped and then you must atone for these missteps, again, no matter what happens. You are atoning because it is the right thing to do, for yourself and for your partner.

For the fed up partner, you need to determine what boundaries you allowed your partner to cross, and figure out why. Even if you leave, this codependency (yup, I said it) isn't going anywhere. It will follow you into every 'Ever After' after this one. If you believe you stood up for yourself in the marriage and still weren't respected, ask yourself, "Did I ask directly for what I wanted?" No hinting. No complaining. Just direct requests with all that vulnerability just hanging out there. If not, why not?

Do All of the Work. With Everything You've Got.

If you decide to try — really try — then try like you mean it. None of this one-foot-in, one-foot-out, "I'm here but I'm not sure this is going to work" energy. Showing up to the appointments is not the same as showing up to the work. I can tell the difference between someone who's trying and someone who's just buying time. So can your partner.

Let your therapist lead. I know that's hard for the people in this room who have been white-knuckling control since approximately 1987. But the whole point of sitting across from a trained professional is that they can see things you can't — your patterns, your defenses, the stories you've been telling yourself so long you forgot they were stories.

And here's the part nobody warns you about: a huge chunk of this work has nothing to do with your partner. It has to do with you. The version of you that learned how to love — or not love, or love sideways and desperately — in your family of origin. The coping mechanisms that kept you safe as a kid that are now burning your marriage to the ground. The relational skills you never got to learn because nobody modeled them for you. Learning how to be relational — maybe for the first time in forever (quick, name that Disney movie!) — is part of the work. And it's some of the most important work you'll ever do.

(Frozen, by the way. The answer is Frozen.)

You are not broken. But some of what you learned about relationships is. And therapy, real therapy, done with abandon, is where you finally get to unlearn it.

Should You Try Couples Therapy When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce?

See, the thing is, most people enter couples therapy about six years too late. And some use it as a misery stabilizer — staying just long enough to feel like they're trying, without actually changing anything. That's not how I work. We pick a timeline, we do the hard thing, and then we honestly assess what's shifted. If nothing has? My advice isn't more patience. It's to change something significant. Therapy is a means to an end — and sometimes, the end is divorce.

You have three options: 1) Stay together and it gets wildly better, 2) Stay together and stay shittily the same, or 3) Leave/Separate/Divorce. And I'm not interested in working with couples who won't choose option 1 or 3 after some hard work and a period of time.

Decide What Kind of (Ex) Partners You Want to Be

If you are unwilling to reconcile (and heck, I wouldn't blame you), then decide what kind of co-parents or divorced people you want to be. You can be bitter or you can get better. You can't have it both ways.

Work towards a future where you can be in the same room at weddings. Where you can show up for each other in an emergency, even one that has nothing to do with your kids. Where you can genuinely wish the other person well when they find someone new. Not for them — for you. You can drag this resentment and anger and bitter betrayal of a reinto every room you ever walk into after this, or you can put it down. That's it. Those are the options.

Work towards being a more understanding and mature version of yourself, no matter what.

Ready to Do the Hard Thing?

If you're in this moment right now — shocked, or finally done, or somewhere in the terrifying middle — I work with couples at every stage of this conversation. Sometimes we save it. Sometimes we end it with intention and dignity. Either way, you don't have to figure it out alone. Book a couples consultation here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan