"Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight Over and Over?" : A Couples Therapist Answers Your Most Burning Questions

"Oh, here we go again!"

"You never listen to me."

"This feels like we fight about this every single month."

Have any of those sentences come out of your mouth during a fight before? I bet they have, because if you're in a partnership, you're guaranteed some level of conflict as part of the emotional contract of two messy humans navigating life together.

I get this question a lot, as a couples therapist in Oklahoma: "Why do we keep having the same fight over and over again?" And the answer is complex and simple. HA. You thought it would be a basic answer, right? Nope, not in my therapy office.

What Does the Research Say About Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight?

What does the research say about fighting in relationships? Well, that it's common, and that handlind conflicts with intentionality and care make all the difference. It's more about how you fight, than what you fight about, per se.

In fact, The Gottman Institute, the premiere research body on marriage and relationships, has found that 69% of conflict in relationships involve what we call 'perpetual problems,' issues that are about fundamental differences in personality types, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs/wants. These problems tend to plague couples for the duration of a partnership. And what is considered a perpetual problem for one relationship would be a completely solvable issue for another.

To give a concrete example: a couple who has mismatched needs around alone time versus togetherness is dealing with a perpetual problem. It's a fundamental difference in how they're wired. A couple who keeps fighting about whose turn it is to call the plumber? That's solvable. The distinction matters, because the approach is different.

When I share this research with couples, their eyes often get really big and they say they feel "discouraged." To which I reply, "Why the discouragement? If it's a topic that comes up often, you are most likely dealing with one of your perpetual problems and that means that you can focus on finding a solution for the moment at hand (a temporary truce, if you will) and it means finding the emotional maturity within yourself to do the longer term work of deciding if this is something you can accept in your partnership for the rest of your life."

Why Needing to Be Right Keeps Couples Stuck in the Same Argument

Another major reason couples have the same fight over and over again is that each person is prioritizing the need to be right. This is the first of the Five Losing Strategies in relationships, identified by therapist Terry Real. Wanting to be right in an argument keeps people stuck in the cycle of disagreement, because most fights aren't cut-and-dry issues with a clear right and wrong. The fight is a clash between two equally valid (notice I didn't say 'true' or 'right') viewpoints. When we're both fighting to win, we're missing out on the ability to stay connected. You can be right or you can be connected. You cannot have both at the same time.

When you work on the part of you that wants to be right, suddenly what used to be a high 'heat' topic is now at a lower temperature when you discuss it, especially when you're prioritizing your intimacy over your agenda. The questions I ask couples to consider before they are about to enter into a fight or disagreement is, "What is it that I want to get out of this?" and "Is what I'm about to do going to get me more of what I want?"

Once this skill is ingrained, you start being what we call in RLT 'relationally mindful,' recognizing how everything you do and say in the relationship contributes, either positively or negatively, to your relationship's ecosystem. If you want an ecosystem clogged with smog and pollution, then, by all means, keep insisting that your viewpoint is right and your partner's is wrong. But... if you want a relational ecosystem with clean, crisp and clear air, then you're going to have to let go of the need to be right.

The Missing Piece: Relational Contracts

The final reason I notice that people get stuck in the same arguments is because they aren't creating contracts or agreements ahead of time. Contracting in a close relationship is a necessary skill. Here's what it may sound like: "Hey honey, I know we are going to see your parents this weekend. I'd like to keep our time there to under 4 hours. Is that okay with you if we leave at the four hour mark, so I can have some time to recharge this weekend as well?" And if your partner agrees, then you have a contract in place.

Contracts protect you in two ways: 1) it makes it difficult for your partner to take a victim position, because they agreed to the contract, and 2) and it makes expectations and commitments clear. Contracts are about behavior, not feelings or thoughts, and they work the best when they have specific behaviors targeted and are close-ended. We don't have eternal contracts.

So Why Do You Keep Having the Same Fight?

So there you have it. You keep having the same fight because some of your conflicts are perpetual problems — fundamental differences that aren't meant to be "solved," so much as navigated with grace. You keep having the same fight because one or both of you is prioritizing being right over staying connected. And you keep having the same fight because nobody sat down ahead of time and made a clear agreement.

The good news? All three of these are workable. Not overnight, and not without some discomfort — but workable. If you're tired of the same argument on repeat, the change doesn't start with your partner. It starts with you deciding that your relationship matters more than winning an argument. And if you need some help getting there, well — that's exactly what I'm here for.

If you'd like to explore what couples therapy with me might look like and you're located in Oklahoma or Vermont, please feel free to email me at info@giftofgritcounseling.com or schedule a free 20 minute virtual consultation here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan