10 Fantastic Ways to Get Less of What You Want in Your Relationships

Let's be honest, most of us have done at least one of these. And if you haven't, you probably know someone who has (maybe you're even living with them). Spoiler alert: I've done all 10 of them at one point or another in my 10 year marriage, and I'm a licensed therapist who sees couples for a living. So don't lie to me and tell me you've never pulled one of these in your own relationship. I know you. You know you. (Quick! Name that movie!)

I work with people every day who are deeply frustrated in their relationships, convinced their partner is the problem, and yet unknowingly running plays straight from the How to Sabotage Your Relationship playbook. So in the spirit of a little loving humor, here are 10 fantastic ways to guarantee you get less of what you actually want, and because I'm a giver, what to do instead to get more of what you want in your relationships.

1. Insist on Being Right, ESPECIALLY When It Doesn't Matter

If you win the argument but lose the relationship... that's still a win, right?

You: "Well, you said you were going to do XYZ and you didn't."

Partner: "I didn't say that. I don't remember ever saying that." (Okay, and here we go, off to the races!)

Being right and being close are often competing goals. When you prioritize winning over connecting, you send your partner the message that your ego matters more than the relationship. And people don't tend to feel warm and fuzzy toward someone who just defeated them. Choose connection over correctness & your relationship will thank you.

2. Try to Control Your Partner's Actions, Thoughts, or Feelings

Bonus points if you insist you're just trying to "help."

Here's the hard truth: you cannot control another person. You can influence, you can request, you can set boundaries, but control is an illusion that costs you intimacy. The more you try to manage your partner, the more they feel like a project rather than a person. And nobody wants to be someone's project.

It's also often a sign of codependency, according to the great Pia Mellody. She calls it 'negative control': "whenever I give myself permission to determine for another person what he or she should look like (including dress or body size), or think, feel, and do or not do." (p. 46, Facing Codependence). It can also work in the reverse. You may think you know what the other person's reality is and influence your own behavior, thoughts and feelings to reflect their reality. Control is a sign that your internal boundaries are porous, at best.

3. Say Whatever You're Feeling in the Heat of the Moment

Because every thought deserves an audience. No filter, no repair plan! Saying whatever you're thinking, especially when you're angry, is mean. Just plain mean. And while what you're saying to your spouse is potentially true about them, you need to ask yourself: "Will saying this out loud get me closer to what I want?" or "What will what I'm about to say feel like to hear?" If the answers are, respectively, no and bad, then you shouldn't say it. Period.

Emotional flooding is real. When we're activated, we are not our wisest selves. The things said in the heat of the moment have a long shelf life. Long after the fight is over, those words are still sitting in the room. Pause. Breathe. Come back when you can speak from your values, not your wrecked nervous system. You'll get more traction if you can learn to speak with wisdom and not with harshness.

4. Punish Them (But From the Moral High Ground)

Why heal when you can get even? The logic goes: if I hurt them the way they hurt me, they'll finally understand. But this just creates a cycle of mutual wounding. Nobody learns empathy from being injured. Retaliation dressed up as justice is still retaliation.

I also label this one as passive aggression. If you aren't saying out loud why you are or are not doing something in your relationship as a way to 'get your partner's attention' or to 'help them understand what it feels like,' you're being passive aggressive. Full stop.

5. Shut Down. Walk Away. Ghost From Inside the Relationship.

Nothing says "I care" like radio silence when they need you most.

Stonewalling is one of the most corrosive patterns in relationships. When we emotionally disappear (i.e., go silent, become robotic, or physically leave without repair), we leave our partner with no way to connect, no way to fix it, and a growing sense of abandonment. Taking space to regulate is healthy. Disappearing as punishment is not.

6. Always Assume the Worst

Late to dinner? Probably hates you now. Trash not taken out? They obviously don't love you enough to remember.

When we operate from a scarcity mindset, constantly interpreting neutral or ambiguous behavior as evidence of rejection or disrespect, we create conflict out of nothing. Most of the time, people are just busy, forgetful, or tired. Assume positive intent as often as you reasonably can. It changes everything.

7. Expect Mind Reading

Let miscommunication lead the way! Perfect your passive-aggressive craft. Say "I'm fine" when you clearly aren't. Slam cabinets. Give the silent treatment. Make them guess what they did wrong.

If your partner has to decode your behavior like a puzzle to know what you need, the bar for connection has been set impossibly high. Clarity is kindness. Saying what you actually feel and need — even when it's vulnerable — is far more effective than hoping they figure it out on their own.

8. Keep Score Like It's the Olympic Finals

"He got a night out with friends in '21 — I get three in '25." "She only mowed the lawn once this year, so I'm going to stop doing my share and see if she notices."

Scorekeeping turns a partnership into a competition. And in a competition, someone always loses. If the goal is fairness, have that conversation directly. If the goal is to win, ask yourself what exactly you're winning, and consider what you might be losing in the process.

9. Apologize Only If They Apologize First

And even then, make sure you apologize for their feelings, not your actions.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology. It's a deflection wearing an apology costume.

Taking genuine accountability, owning what you did, without a "but,"and without waiting for them to go first, is one of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship. It requires humility. It also requires grit.

10. Lead with Anger

Start the conversation with a complaint, or better yet, a full-on accusation. "You NEVER listen." "Are you even TRYING?" Yell first, reflect later. Escalation never got anyone closer to feeling heard.

When we lead with anger, we immediately trigger our partner's defenses. The content of what we're saying, even if it's valid, gets buried under the delivery. Nobody hears the message when they're busy protecting themselves. Start soft. Lead with your vulnerability, not your frustration.

So What Actually Works to Get More of What You Want in Relationships?

If you want more love, safety, and joy in your relationships, therapist and author Terry Real offers a pretty clear roadmap:

• Speak with love and clarity — say what you mean without weaponizing it

• Value connection over being right — let go of the scoreboard

• Repair ruptures quickly — don't let things fester

• Own your part — every conflict has two people in it

• Move toward your partner, not away — choose closeness, even when it's hard

  
  

Relationships take real work. They take the willingness to look at your own patterns, soften your defenses, and show up even when it's uncomfortable. That's grit in its finest form, and connection is the path to recovery. Trauma is disconnection. Recovery is reconnection. Let's help you reconnect, together.

If any of this resonated with you and you're ready to do the work, Gift of Grit Counseling is here for it. Follow along @giftofgritcounseling for more.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Megan