"Plantin' Them Roses Instead: A Reflection on Maturity and Music"

Hi friends!

I hope you are well. I am doing great, just basking in the summer sun and enjoying the peace that comes with being content with where I am, and where I'm headed. Today, I thought I would share my thoughts on something a little different, a song. Kimberly Perry, formerly of The Band Perry, has released a new song titled, "If I Die Young, Part 2", and it is a delight. See the video below.

But first, I have to give you some context about the original song by The Band Perry, "If I Die Young." I was OBSESSED with this song at the tender age of sixteen. I was morbid, romantic, and dramatic, as teenagers often are, and the lyrics in "If I Die Young" spoke to my adolescent soul. When I say I was obsessed, I mean it. At one point, I journeyed to a local cemetery, photographed moss-covered headstones, and combined the lyrics and pictures into art for my senior art class project. I went searching for that artwork the other day and couldn't find it, but I sure wish I had kept it, if for no other reason, than to show the teens I see in therapy now that I do *understand* what it's like to think about deep and morbid things at a young age.

When I saw Kimberly Perry had released a part two to her band's most famous song, I leapt onto Spotify to listen, and I wept. Her words are so powerful, her wisdom is palpable, and her heart has matured. It's what happens to all of us, as we grow up. Or, at least, it's what we hope happens, if we are lucky enough to keep living.

Now that I have held a child in my arms who has died, grieved the loss of three other babies, and worked through the trials that grief can put a person through, I am grateful to have the gift of time. I am happy to say I lived through it, and I am happy to see how my roses turned out, even if the plan for the garden changed from what I originally pictured. Flowers are still beautiful, even if arranged differently.

We recognize that instead of wishing for a romantic and beautiful death surrounded by roses, we should be 'plantin' them roses instead." As she sings, "the sharp knife of a short life, now I know better there's no such thing as enough time." So I ask you, dear readers, what song would you say eclipses your teenage self, and what song represents your growth now? How are you planting your roses now? How are you passing along your name before it's on a headstone?

I hope you find equal parts of romanticism and maturity and peace and contentment as you continue to grow older. I know I have, and I am glad that "I've had time to bloom."

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Attachment Problems or Problematic Relationship?

Hi friends! I hope you are doing well. I'm back with an interesting topic that has come up multiple times in my career as a therapist: abandonment and the fear of it.

What is the fear of abandonment, you ask? It is a feeling of insecurity in a relationship, where negative thoughts contribute to a person's anxiety regarding the 'steadiness' of their current partnership or friendship. It is often irrational and does not respond well to logic. It can feel overwhelming, and frightening. It can make you feel like you're going 'crazy' if your partner or friend doesn't text back in a timely manner, gets upset with you, or forgets an important date. You might find yourself constantly scanning for signs that impending doom is on the horizon.

Fear of abandonment usually originates in childhood. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, mused that children come into this world pre-programmed to form attachments (both physical and emotional) to their caregivers in order to increase their chances of surviving to adulthood. These bonds we form with our caregivers can effect how we relate to our intimate relationships presently. A fear of being abandoned is developed when our caregiver was inconsistent in responding to our cues and needs as infants and young children. For example, an inconsistent response might look like responding to a baby's cry the first three times, and then ignoring their cry and looking at one's phone the next two times. The baby doesn't know what to expect from their caregiver so often they will escalate their behaviors in order to get their need for attention met. I use the word 'need' there on purpose. Babies who do not get this need met suffer from smaller brain sizes and less neural connections, as seen here in this research study where they compared children from healthy homes and children from homes or orphanages with severe emotional/physical neglect.

Here's the thing though: adults need attention from our personal relationships, too. We don't function well when the lines in our relationships are blurry or otherwise unclear. This seems to show up a lot in my sessions with clients, where they will tell me they have a fear of abandonment, which may very well be true, but then they tell me all about their partner or friend who, either consciously or subconsciously, triggers this fear with their actions (or lack of action). So, today, I thought we could do a quick exercise to help us distinguish between a fear of abandonment or... actually being abandoned by people who claim to love us.

There's a few questions to ask ourselves to determine if our reaction is past-based (thus not really our partner's fault) or present-based (and possibly be because of our partner's behaviors).

1. What are my requirements in a relationship to feel safe?

2. Have I communicated these requirements to my partner?

3. Is my partner willing to abide by these requirements or are they unable to do so?

In using these questions, you can then begin to determine for yourself what you need to feel supported by a romantic partner. I tell people that attachment requirements need to be specific, and attainable by both parties, and they must be agreed upon by everyone in the relationship.

Examples of safety protocols might be wanting a phone call from your partner before they head home from work, sharing passwords (if in a long term committed relationship), spending time together before bed, etc. These have to be determined by each individual, so they are typically very personalized. The important thing to remember is this: 'Is my partner capable and willing to do these things? Are they doing things that actively work against my emotional safety?'

Only you can know in your heart if the person you are with is able to help you manage your wounded attachment style gracefully. And the person you will always be in relationship with is yourself. If you are operating from a place of meeting your emotional needs, and are curious, open-minded, courageous and creative, then you already know the right answer for you. Don't convince yourself that it's always 'you' that is the faulty one.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Make it Make Sense: 3 Lessons We Gain from Trauma

Hi friends!

I hope you are taking good care of yourself in this spring season of weddings and graduations and Mother's Day and the school year winding down, etc. I know that for me, this year especially, I have noticed the graduation and holidays hitting harder than normal. I'm not entirely sure why, and I want to normalize that for you as well. Sometimes, seasons just strike us differently from year to year, and even therapists don't always know why this is.

I digress.

Anyways, I was having a conversation with a colleague today, and we were talking about... trauma, particularly childhood trauma from parents or caregivers. My colleague was discussing something that their mother had done to them in childhood that clearly demonstrated the lack of attachment/caring their parent received as a child. And I responded saying, "Well, that makes sense, and it still doesn't make it okay." Thus, the idea for this post was born. If you are working through trauma, especially from childhood or close personal relationships, at some point in your healing journey, you will recognize three things:

"It's not my fault."

Before healing, we often take on the responsibility of other people's behavior when it really has very little to do with us. We may find ourselves making excuses for a parent or caregiver who just couldn't or wouldn't show up in the ways we needed them to. Telling our small hurting child selves inside, 'Mom hit me because I was a hard child.' Or 'Grandpa sexually abused me because I never said no when it happened the first time." Part of working through trauma is releasing our child selves from the responsibility or guilt associated with someone else's decisions, actions or neglect.

"This wasn't normal or okay."

A pattern I've noticed over years of doing trauma therapy is that people often will tell me things about their childhood or in their relationships that would make a 'normal' person just drop their jaw in horror. And clients will be totally unaware initially how concerning the story they are telling me is. The moment we start to make some headway is when I can say to them gently, "You know, the feeling of discomfort or fear or unease you experienced is because what happened to you wasn't normal, and it wasn't okay." The relief people feel when they understand that their bodies and minds were reacting very normally to abnormal circumstances is a game changer for most.

"And now that I know more, what happened to me does make some sense. However, just because I can understand the context of someone's past wounded behavior, still doesn't make their actions justifiable or okay."

Whew. This one is the hardest for people, and it's because it requires us to move from a cognitive understanding of trauma and why it occurred into a soul-level understanding.

What do I mean by that? Soul level means you're able to see things for what they were, and your view of yourself no longer is held to the standard of your biggest wounds. Soul-level understanding often equates to forgiveness of the people who have hurt us, but not giving them increased access to our lives, our families, our careers, etc. You can love someone who hurts you, but with deep healing, you choose to love them from afar and with appropriate boundaries. When you've done the healing work, you can recognize that all people hurt people, and your view of the aggressors in your life might be more compassionate than before. And yet, you won't give them more room to wreak havoc or cause pain. That's change on a cellular/soul level. That's change that is generational and lasting. That is the healing we therapists hope for, for all of our clients.

Let me know if you are interested in partnering together to learn how these three lessons from trauma can apply to your life in particular. Know that I am rooting for you and your success.

Take exquisite care of yourself,