How to Get the Most Out of Therapy: 10 Tips for the Savvy Intellectualizer or Feelings-Avoider

Hi friends! I hope you all are doing well. It's the very end of May-vember over here, and I know many of us are tired with all the events, stress and school burnout (if you have kiddos).

Today, I want to talk to a specific group of therapy-goers — current or potential clients who are ready to make real change, but feel stuck. This one’s for the intellectualizers or my feelings-avoiders. You know who you are: the overthinkers, the ones who can tell a great story about your week but freeze when asked, “And where do you feel that in your body?”

You might find yourself explaining your emotions instead of feeling them. You say things like, “I know I should feel upset, but I don’t,” or “I’ve thought a lot about it and here's my theory…”  You show up to therapy consistently, but deep down, you're wondering: Why isn’t this working yet?

Well, well, well... if it isn’t old me in disguise. I get it. I’m an intellectualizer, too. I can walk you through the why behind my behaviors, pinpoint exactly where I went wrong, and outline the family-of-origin dynamics that influenced it — but ask me to describe how it shows up in my body? Game over.

Here’s the thing: our cognitive brain feels like home — logical, articulate, safe. It helps us stay “regulated,” but it can also keep us disconnected from the parts of us that are asking to be felt, healed, and integrated. If we want more than insight — if we want real transformation — we have to shift how we show up in the therapy room.

Below are some tips for the intellectualizers (the ones who can explain everything, feel nothing, and meaning-make the hell out of their symptoms but can't actually sit with them for longer than 10 seconds) so they can get the most out of therapy.

10 tips for the Intellectualizer to get the most out of therapy:

1. You Don’t Have to Feel It to Begin Naming It. If someone asks what you're feeling and you draw a blank, it’s okay to just take a stab: “Maybe anxious? Numb? Not sure.” Naming a maybe feeling is a win. The goal isn’t accuracy — it’s contact. My clients often roll their eyes at me in session, because I will interrupt them after asking this question and they say things like "I think I just got to a place where..." and I'll say, "That's a thought, not a feeling." Thoughts aren't why you're here. If they were, you'd have already figured this whole damn problem out already. You're here because your feelings, body sensations, beliefs and memories are all giving you dang fits and you want to feel better or different now.

2. Guess When You’re Asked, “Where Do You Feel That in Your Body?” There’s no perfect answer. Try taking an elevator ride from your head down into your body and report any sensation that stands out, even if it's only a little bit — “My shoulders feel tight,” “My stomach is heavy,” or even “I feel nothing.” That’s still info for your therapist and it can bring insight to a very analytical discussion and make it more fruitful overall.

3. Use Physical Descriptions, Not Emotional Labels. If “sad” or “anxious” doesn’t land, try describing what’s happening in your body. Your body often tells a story before your mind does:

Tension

Shallow breathing

Coldness

Emptyness

Hunger

Thirst

Throat clearing/skin picking/itchy hands or feet

Wanting to leave the room

Numbness

Tingling

Warmth

4. Try “I Notice” Instead of “I Think”. “I think I’m frustrated” keeps you in your head.“I notice I’m clenching my jaw” gets you closer to the emotion without needing to explain it. For example in EMDR therapy, you'll hear your therapist say things like "What are you noticing?" between sets of bilateral stimulation. And here's a cool trick: anything you're noticing is worth bringing up here. Seriously. You can't do this part of therapy wrong.

5. Use Metaphors if That Feels Easier. Literal emotions not coming through? Try saying, “It feels like I’m carrying a brick,” or “I’m like a coiled spring right now.” These give shape to experiences that are otherwise hard to describe.

Here's an emotion wheel and metaphor wheel mashed together, courtesy of yours truly!

6. Let Your Therapist Know When You’re Feeling Disconnected. If you go blank, zone out, or just feel numb — say so. That is useful information. You don’t have to “perform” in here. Letting your therapist know what’s happening helps them tailor the work to where you are, and gives them ideas of where to press in gently, later on.

7. Give Feedback About the Therapy Process Itself. If a question or statement your therapist throws out feels confusing, confronting, or just not helpful (like “Where do you feel that in your body?”), say so. That’s not disrespect — it’s collaboration. Your therapist is human too, and feedback fine-tunes the work. Great therapists are hopefully already eliciting feedback from you regularly.

8. Pay Attention to What's Happening During a Session. Does your breath get shallower when you talk about something? Do you shift in your seat? Go quiet? These are clues. You don’t have to interpret them, that's your therapist's job, yo, but you can bring them up. A great therapist may also bring them to your awareness, or point out a pattern you've engaged in multiple times in session as well.

9. Know That Not Feeling Anything is a Valid Experience. Feeling “blank” or emotionally flat isn’t a failure — it’s usually protection. Instead of pushing past it, just name it: “I feel nothing right now, but I know this topic matters.” Ask yourself what 'feeling nothing' is protecting you from? What are you afraid will happen if you allowed yourself to just feel?

10. “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung. The goal of therapy isn’t to feel something on command — it’s to gently bring awareness to what’s been hidden. That includes defenses like overthinking and intellectualizing. The work isn’t about being put together perfectly. It’s about becoming aware, about bringing your whole self to encounter truth. The truth doesn't just set us free. It creates space for more.

So if you’ve been wondering why therapy feels like it’s not quite landing — even though you’re showing up, talking through things, and gaining insight — it might be time to gently invite your body into the conversation. No pressure to suddenly become a feelings guru or somatic expert. Just a willingness to experiment with new ways of being in the room.

Therapy isn’t just about insight; it’s about practicing connection, with a safe, regulated person offering presence and peace, (a.k.a. your therapist). If this post feels a little too accurate… welcome. You’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just ready for the next layer of the work.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Megan