So You’ve Been Dragged Into Couples Therapy: An Open Letter

Maybe they pleaded with you for months. Maybe they cried. Maybe they just booked the session and told you when to show up. And now here you are: scrolling through this blog, wondering how the heck you ended up reading something written by a therapist you’ve never met.

I can probably guess what you're thinking: This is bullshit. I don’t need therapy. They’re the one with all the problems. Or, fine, perhaps we have problems, but therapy isn’t going to fix them. And I already know what’s coming: everyone is going to gang up on me, and I’ll sit there for an hour while they tell me I’m the bad guy.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, I thought so.

Let’s be clear from the start: this isn’t going to be a soft, feel-good pep talk where I tell you “don’t worry, you’re not the problem.” Because here’s the hard truth: sometimes you are the problem. Sometimes your silence, your defensiveness, your “I don’t need this” attitude is the very thing standing in the way of change.

I told you I'm no-nonsense.

Why You’re Actually Here in the Couples Therapy Room (And No, It’s Not Just Because of Them)

It’s easy to tell yourself your partner is the one who needs help. They’re anxious, they’re emotional, they’re always on your case. Maybe they nag. Maybe they cry too much. Maybe they want to “talk” right when you’re finally sitting down after a long day.

But relationships don’t fall apart because of just one person. They fall apart because both people are stuck in a cycle, a dance, if you will. One pushes, one pulls. One nags, one withdraws. One explodes, one shuts down.

If your partner dragged you into therapy, it’s because the cycle you two are in isn’t working. And deep down, you know it.

This isn’t about proving who’s “right.” As Terry Real says, "You can be right or you can be married. What's more important to you?" It’s about noticing the dance you’ve both been stuck in and figuring out how to step differently.

The Shame Factor

Now, let’s discuss the thing that keeps many people from seeking help: shame.

Shame is the quiet voice that whispers:

• If I admit we need help, we're a weak couple.

• If the therapist sees the real me, they’ll think I’m broken or a bad person.

• If my partner’s crying, it must mean I'm a failure.

So you shut down. You cross your arms. You say things like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” You disappear into work for a week after a fight. You sleep on the couch and pretend it’s no big deal.

Shame thrives in silence. It grows in the dark. And it keeps you from actually dealing with what’s underneath.

Therapy is not here to humiliate you. However, it might challenge you. It might ask you to step out of the story you’ve been telling yourself and look at the bigger picture. While that may feel like a threat, it’s actually a chance to get some more of what you want and need in your closest personal relationship.

Grandiosity: Shame’s Fancy Costume

On the flip side of shame is grandiosity.

Grandiosity shrugs and says:

• I don’t need therapy. Everyone else is the problem.

• If my partner would just get it together, we’d be fine.

• Therapists are a waste of time and money. I already know what’s wrong here.

Does any of that ring a bell?

Grandiosity is just shame with a loudspeaker. Instead of feeling small, you make yourself big, at the expense of other people. Instead of admitting you’re scared or hurt, you throw up armor. You roll your eyes. You crack jokes in session. You dismiss your partner’s tears with, “You’re just too sensitive.”

If you really believe everyone else is the problem, chances are… you’ve become the problem.

And if your partner has been begging for therapy, there’s a good chance they’re exhausted from carrying the weight of a relationship where you refuse to look at your part.

“At Least I’m Better Than My Parents” (Are You, Though?)

Here’s another hard truth: a lot of people come into therapy swearing they’re “better than their parents.”

Maybe you told yourself you’d never scream the way your dad did. Maybe you promised you’d never stay silent like your mom did. Maybe you swore your kids would never feel scared the way you once did. Perhaps, you've even done some personal work in therapy and find yourself having a better life than they did.

And yet… here you are.

Because just because you’re different from your parents doesn’t mean you’ve actually broken the cycle.

You might not be shouting. However, your silence is just as loud. You might not be storming out of the house to buy milk and never return, but your cold shoulder lasts for days.You might not be drinking like your dad, but perhaps your kids still feel the same knot in their stomach when Mom and Dad stop talking.

You think you’re doing better. And in some ways, maybe you are. But if your kids are still anxious, still walking on eggshells, still wondering what version of you is going to walk in the door today, then the cycle hasn’t actually changed.

Family Legacy: What Your Kids Are Learning From You

Your romantic relationship doesn’t just affect the two of you. The raw sewage of your marital discontent overflows into your home, and your kids are immersed in it daily.

• When you withdraw for days after a fight, they notice.

• When you slam doors or stomp around, they hear it.

• When you and your partner go weeks barely speaking except about bills or schedules, they feel it.

And anxious kids don’t just “grow out of it.” They grow up into anxious adults who either repeat your patterns, or spend years trying to unlearn them in therapy of their own.

So when you roll your eyes and say, “It’s not that bad,” remember — it’s not just about you. Your kids are watching. And whether you like it or not, you’re teaching them what love looks like. You’re teaching them what marriage looks like. You’re teaching them what they should expect — or tolerate — when they grow up.

Do you really want them to carry this version of love forward?

Why I Won’t Promise Not to Take Sides

Some therapists like to play Switzerland. They promise not to take sides.

That’s not me.

Because sometimes the problem is lopsided. Sometimes one person’s behavior has been more destructive. Sometimes one partner is carrying more of the load while the other coasts. Sometimes one person has been avoiding, stonewalling, or dismissing while the other has been screaming to be heard.

If I sit there and act like it’s all equal, I’m lying to both of you.

So, yes. Sometimes I will take sides. I’ll name what I see. I’ll call you out if you’re hiding behind silence or arrogance. I’ll call your partner out if they’re steamrolling or avoiding responsibility too.

Therapy isn’t about fairness; it’s about honesty. And honesty sometimes stings, much like applying antiseptic ointment to a wound. Joining through the truth is the only way through. (Or divorce/separation. And I can almost guarantee you'll repeat your dysfunctional patterns/dance with someone else, unless you do the work now, to learn new moves.)

What You Actually Get Out of Therapy

Here’s the part that might surprise you: therapy isn’t just for your partner. It’s for you, too.

If you’re willing to show up, here’s what you might actually get:

• Relief. Because carrying all that defensiveness is exhausting.

• A chance to be heard. Really heard. Not just blamed or nagged.

• Tools to stop the same fight from happening over and over. You know the one. The “You never listen / You’re always nagging” fight that’s basically on repeat.

• Clarity. Finally seeing the patterns you didn’t even realize you were stuck in.

• A stronger relationship. Which, if we’re being real, is what you actually want deep down. Otherwise, you wouldn’t still be here.

The “Dragged Partner” Survival Guide

Since you’re here, you might as well make the most of it. Here’s how not to waste your own time in couples therapy:

1. Drop the act. You don’t need to look tough or “together.” Therapy works better when you’re honest. Also, you can go into this thinking about how you've fooled me and gotten one up on your partner by not really participating in good faith. Let me tell you how that works out in the long term: your partner eventually leaves. Or you're stuck in a partnership that no one wants to be in. Your choice. Change your behavior, or keep choosing the life you're living.

2. Think about your own peace. This isn’t just about your partner’s happiness . It’s also about yours. If you keep brushing things off, you’ll just keep living in an emotional warzone. Why not use the hour to actually work toward a little calm in your own house?

3. Don’t weaponize silence. Sitting in stony silence for three days isn’t maturity. It’s avoidance, and I get it, it's worked for you for many years. But it ain't working anymore. Time for new skills, and new ways to get your needs met.

4. Own your part. Even if your partner is 80% of the problem, you’ve still got 20%. Take responsibility for that piece.

5. Say the thing before it festers. You don’t have to be a poet or have a PhD in psychology to have good relationships. Just say what you actually think instead of holding it in until it explodes out of you sideways. If you hate therapy, say that. If you’re angry, say that. Silence helps nobody.

6. Do it because you’re selfish. Let’s be real: if your partner’s miserable, your life is miserable. Grumpy mornings, cold shoulders, slammed cabinet doors… that’s your life too. Making therapy work for them could actually make everything better for you, too.

What Happens If You Don’t Try

If you refuse to show up, if you keep stonewalling, if you won't tell the truth about who you are and what you're not willing to change or give up, if you keep sitting in therapy waiting for it to be over, here’s what happens:

Your partner eventually gives up.

And when they give up, it won’t be with a dramatic fight. It’ll be with quiet resignation. They’ll stop trying to get you to hear them. They’ll stop dragging you to therapy. They’ll stop fighting for the relationship.

And you’ll think, Finally. Peace.

But it won’t be peace. It’ll be the sound of your relationship dying. Passion will be the first thing that goes.

And if you think your kids don’t notice? Think again. Kids are remarkably perceptive. Like sponges, they're absorbing your silences, your sarcasm, your tension. Their little nervous systems are learning that “love feels like walking on eggshells.” And that sticks.

The Real Risk: A Lifetime of Disconnect

Here’s the biggest risk you’re facing: not therapy, not conflict, not even divorce. The real risk is a lifetime of disconnect, and trauma handed down to your children.

Living in the same house but miles apart emotionally. Going years without feeling truly known by your partner. Letting resentment calcify and harden until it’s too heavy to lift.

Sometimes, yes, divorce is necessary. Some relationships cannot be repaired. But here’s what you need to know: if you don’t heal your stuff, it doesn’t end with divorce.

Because you’ll carry the same unfinished business into the next relationship. And the next. And the next.

Different faces, same fights. Different houses, same distance.

You can keep marrying your unfinished business until you finally decide to face it.

Your Choice

You can enter therapy with your arms folded, just waiting for the session to end. Alternatively, you can enter with a willingness to engage — even if it's chaotic, uncomfortable, or makes you uneasy.

Your partner brought you here because they still have hope. That's actually a positive sign.

The real question is: how will you respond to this opportunity?

Therapy is not a form of punishment; it's a chance for growth. You can treat it like a seige against your careful defenses, or you can treat it like practice.

And the choice, whether you stay walled off or get curious, is yours.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan

Why Couples Therapy? Why Now?

Hi friends and colleagues,

Fall is here: beautiful, busy, and maybe a little overwhelming. Since I announced I’m now opening a couple of spots for couples therapy, I’ve been getting one question over and over:

“Why couples therapy? Why now?”

And honestly? My answer is pretty simple: “Why not now?”

My Old Take on Couples Therapy

Let me be honest: I wasn’t always on board with couples therapy.

In fact, I used to joke, “Sure, couples can come see me, but don’t be surprised if I suggest breaking up.”

Back then, I really believed my directness and assertiveness made me too blunt for couples work. I thought couples therapy meant being neutral at all costs, never taking sides, refusing to name unhealthy power dynamics, and never empowering one partner to stand up for themselves.

In my mind, couples therapy either:

• Gave one partner more personal empowerment while leaving the relationship behind, or

• Silenced the hurting partner to keep the status quo going.

  
  

That didn’t sit well with me.

Enter Relational Life Therapy (RLT):

Then one day, Terry Real showed up on my Instagram feed. (Go follow him on Instagram, seriously. The posts are so helpful, timely and thoughtful. It's @realterryreal).

Here was a therapist saying exactly what I’d been craving: holding people accountable, naming unhealthy patterns, pointing out how patriarchy hurts us all.

And I thought: finally.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is refreshingly straightforward. It moves through three steps:

1. Spot the patterns or the dance you and your partner participate in (diagnosis + reconnection).

2. Heal old wounds from childhood that are triggering your flight/fight/fix response in your partnership today (relational trauma work).

3. Learn new tools so you can get more of what you need and want (relational skills that last).

   
   

Clear. Practical. No bullshit. It blends the Gottmans’ marriage research with a sharper edge: definitive skills you can carry into every relationship, not just your romantic ones.

Sign. Me. Up.

Imagine This

You want more physical affection. Instead of asking directly for this, you toss out a side comment when your spouse walks by:

“Well, it’d be nice if you actually kissed me when you walked in.”

Your partner hears criticism, perhaps the same critical voices from their family growing up. Gloves go on. Ding, ding. The fight begins.

Or maybe it’s quieter: an eye roll, a sigh, a slow retreat into silence. Either way, the disconnection grows. And you're left feeling lonely, which triggers your own emotional wounds from childhood of being emotionally abandoned by a caregiver or parent. Adults cannot be abandoned; they can be left, but not abandoned. That feeling of abandonment is from childhood; it's an old unhealed child part of you. And child parts shouldn't be running your adult relationships today.

Now imagine saying this instead:

“Hey, I’d love a kiss right now. I missed you today.”

That’s clear. That’s vulnerable. Sure, it stings if your partner says no. But at least you asked. The real heartbreak is never asking, for years, and letting resentment pile up.

Why Daring to Rock the Boat Matters

Here’s what I love about RLT: it tells us to stop playing it safe. When we stop talking about what we need in our partnership, the first thing we lose is passion. Conflict is a counterpart to a truly passionate marriage. This doesn't mean you need to have huge screaming fights. It does mean you have to be brave enough to stand up for yourself and your relationship with love.

Rock the boat. Say what you need. Be bold and kind. Remember loving firmness gets more than harsh criticism any day of the week.

Not to shame or attack, but because courage is the only way things change.

And nothing changes if nothing changes.

How RLT Shifted My Own Relationships

This isn’t just theory for me. It’s personal.

Before RLT, I was the anxious pursuer in conflict, always chasing, always pushing for resolution before my partner was ready. Can you guess that my partner is the avoider? He would rather not engage, and often needs time to process his feelings before he's ready to problem solve.

After training, reading, and practicing RLT tools? I’ve changed.

My husband recently told me how much better I am at pressing pause, stepping back, grounding myself, and coming back calmer. That’s not who I used to be. And honestly? It feels like freedom.

A New Way to Think About 'Us'

Relational empowerment flips the script.

It’s not about me winning or you winning. It’s about us.

And working toward “us” doesn’t mean giving up your voice. It means learning to repair faster, laugh more, and actually enjoy each other.

Think of your relationship like an ecosystem. Your partner is part of your atmosphere: the very air you breathe.

When that air is toxic, everything suffers. When it’s cared for, everyone thrives.

“Good enough” relationships don’t just comfort us. They grow us into better, wiser, more generous humans.

Let's Begin

If you’re ready to breathe easier in your relationship, I have a couple of new openings for couples therapy this month.

The holidays are coming. Why not give yourselves the gift of a healthier, happier “us”?

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

Why Relationships Disappoint Us & How to Find Real Intimacy

Relationships can be incredibly disappointing. Terry Real says this without cynicism, and it's the truth. I sincerely believe it’s one of the hardest truths for us to swallow.

We come into relationships with an unspoken list: all the things our partner should be, all the ways they should show up, all the ways they should heal us. When they inevitably fall short, it hurts. It feels personal, and deeply painful. Hearing 'no' sucks. Being disappointed is hard. It triggers all of our deepest fears about how we will "never be enough" for anyone, and we will "never get what we really need." And honestly, many of us struggle to even identify our emotional needs in relationships, as opposed to emotional wishes, which are often flimsy, at best, and completely unrealistic, at worst.

But the deeper truth is this: the ache is spiritual.

Our Longing for the Divine

What we really want, in the deepest recesses of our souls, though we rarely admit it, is someone endless. Endlessly available. Endlessly fascinating. Endlessly compassionate. Endlessly attuned.

In other words: we want a god or goddess, who worships us and our needs/wants/desires. Our understanding of wants and needs in relationships are also conflicting. We want a parent and a lover, a best friend and a confidant, a business partner (after all, running a household is a lot like running a business) and a sexpot. We want too much from one person. And we, often, don't hold ourselves to the same standards or expectations.

We want someone to complete us. Anybody remember the movie Jerry Maguire? "You complete me." (YUCK. Let's do a future post on working on completing yourself and offering a full, unencumbered wise adult to our partners.) Also, can we please keep in mind that Tom Cruise playing himself in every movie is not a good model for healthy relationships? Just sayin'.

We desire divine perfection dressed up as flesh and blood. We want a savior, a rescuer, and when that just doesn't exist in our partner, we are left yearning. Yearning doesn't feel good. It can often feel like desperation.

When we clash with the reality that the person across from us is as limited, flawed, and messy as we are (and that they aren't coming to save us from ourselves or rescue us from our pasts,) we despair.

Why We Struggle to Stay in Real Relationship

This longing for divinity isn’t just about romance, though it has largely been shaped by romantic comedies, poor examples of love in our own families of origin, and Hallmark card versions of love. This longing also affects how we view friendships, colleagues, family, even strangers online. We are restless, agitated and dissatisfied because no one measures up to the fantasy.

And here’s the cost:

• We don’t know how to hold nuance. You can look at our current political climate to see evidence of this.

• We can’t tolerate contradictions in others. People are not all good, or all bad. They have multiple parts to them, some of which have maladaptive and unhealthy ways of getting their needs met in present relationships.

• We choose to settle for good enough relationships, or we don't risk getting into them at all.

• We cling to individualism rather than risk being changed by relationship and community.

• We protect our egos instead of helping each other win, and we miss out on the learning and growth that can come from letting go of our understanding of the world. Our way isn't the dominant way. It's a way to see things. There are many perspectives.

In short, we resist the very thing we need and want most: real intimacy.

Intimacy Is Messy

This is where Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy (RLT) addresses our cultural wound directly. RLT shows us that true intimacy is not founded on perfection, but rather on how two imperfect individuals handle their unavoidable conflicts.

That’s the guts of intimacy. Not a flawless partner. Not eternal bliss. But learning, over and over, how to repair, reconnect, and recommit. Relationships of all types are in constant cycles of harmony, rupture and repair. Therefore, we all have good experience with these three states in relationships, unless you're a hermit living in the desert.

Except most of us didn't learn anything about repair or any skills of how to get more of what we want and need in our relationships.

Our families of origin were either "totally normal, never really saw my parents fight" (a.k.a. you never saw conflict being repaired at all; or you ), or they were chaotic messes where people were harmed either physically or emotionally on the regular. In examination of our childhood experiences of rupture and repair, we can glean vital information on how and why we struggle on showing up fully in our adult relationships.

As children, we didn't have much choice in how we acted and reacted, which is why relational harm or attachment trauma is so hard to heal. As adults, we have choice. We can choose our actions and our reactions to our partners, our bosses, our friends, our colleagues, our church members, etc.

Learning how to ride the waves of harmony, rupture and repair is the crux of becoming a fully fledged person. Becoming a wise adult is work. This is messy work. But it’s sacred work.

My Work as an “Intimacy Merchant”

I am in the process of becoming certified in RLT because I believe this truth is urgently needed: in marriages and partnerships, in friendships, in communities, in the world.

I see my role as an intimacy merchant. I want to help people trade in their impossible longing for divinity and perfection in their relationships for something real: the transformative power of human connection.

It won’t be neat. It won’t be perfect. But it will be worth it.

The Invitation

If you’re tired of the endless dissatisfaction, in yourself, in your partner, in the world, it might be time to try a different way. I do work with couples who want more. And I don't mince words. I take sides, judiciously. I call out harmful patterns. I want real intimacy for every person I work with, and I believe it's possible for many of us, especially if we are committed to doing the work. There is a different path forward.

One rooted not in perfection, but in relationality. Not in individualism, but in connection. Not in fantasy, but in messy, glorious intimacy.

Because when we learn how to be real with each other, we don’t just survive relationships. We grow through them.

Take exquisite care of yourselves,

Megan