Love Demands Democracy: Why Equality Creates Intimacy

Many couples want deeper intimacy but find themselves stuck in power struggles, fights or loneliness. Whether it shows up as one partner always deciding or the other walking on eggshells, inequality can quietly erode connection. In this post, we’ll explore why equality in relationships is essential for emotional safety, intimacy, and long-term trust.

"Both love and democracy depend on voice -- having a voice and also the resonance that makes it possible to speak and be heard." -Carol Gilligan

What Equality and Intimacy Really Means in a Relationship

When we talk about equality in a relationship, we don’t mean keeping score or splitting everything down the middle. Equality is about both people feeling equally respected, heard, and valued. It’s about sharing power, not taking it from each other.

True partnership shows up in how decisions are made, how emotional needs are responded to, and how both people feel safe enough to show up fully. It’s not about sameness, but about fairness and emotional balance.

We don't have to see everything exactly in the same way, and we have to be committed to seeing our person's point of view. In a healthy relationship, both voices matter.

When Love Becomes a Power Struggle

Couples often come into therapy feeling distant, angry or resentful, but underneath the tension is often a struggle for power. One partner might over-function, taking control of planning, finances, or conflict resolution, while the other under-functions, withdrawing or deferring.

This kind of imbalance can create a "one-up, one-down" dynamic that leaves both partners feeling frustrated. The over-functioning partner may feel burdened and unseen, while the under-functioning partner may feel dismissed or powerless. This imbalance is also the basis of codependency, which is the overfunctioning in another person's life while under-functioning in our own life.

The center of the grid is true health. Think about where you fall on the grid when you are experiencing conflict in your closest relationships. Your path to health is to do the opposite of what you're doing now.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we help couples see these patterns without shame and start rebuilding from a place of mutual accountability.

The Roots of Inequality And Why They're So Common

These imbalances rarely begin with the couple themselves. Many of us grow up with cultural messages about what love, gender roles, and relationships should look like. We might unconsciously carry beliefs that one partner should lead, while the other supports quietly.

Carol Gilligan, a researcher and psychologist, found that many people, particularly women and girls, learn to silence their own voice in order to preserve connection. Over time, this silencing erodes trust and authenticity, the key ingredients for intimacy.

Therapy rooted in feminist principles invites us to challenge these inherited scripts. Not to assign blame, but to give both partners the freedom to relate in more honest, equitable ways.

Feminist Principles in Relationships:

Because I know you're wondering, here are feminist principles, as I see them:

• Sharing of power

• Pluralism: The active engagement of diverse perspectives and worldviews—even in your marriage.

• Ecology: Your relationship is an ecosystem that needs nurturing, respect, empathy, and sustainability over domination.

• Embodiment: A rejection of duality. The mind and body are not separate. The human body is where we foster love, respect, and self-acceptance.

• Self-disclosure: A sharing of our experiences in tender, thoughtful, and conscientious ways.

• Nothing about us without us: We make decisions as a team. While one person may care more about an issue, we still walk into decision-making together.

• Safety: All partners deserve mental, emotional, and physical safety in sharing their emotions, experiences, and thoughts.

These ideas guide how we relate to each other, in a way that meets everyone's needs and wants, to the best of our ability.

Equality Builds Intimacy, Not Distance

Many people worry that equality will drain passion or clarity from a relationship. But the opposite is true. When both partners feel safe, valued, and emotionally responsible, intimacy deepens.

Passion fades when we stop being honest with each other. Think about it: if you secretly hate action movies but watch them for years to keep the peace, resentment will grow.

Eventually, it’s not just about movies; it’s about not feeling known. That growing distance is often misread as disconnection, when really it’s about invisibility. That initial desire to keep the peace wasn't a bad thing, but in the long run, it drained the relationship of everything real. In therapy, couples often shift from blame to curiosity. Equality doesn’t eliminate conflict; it helps you navigate it with respect.

What Equality Looks Like Day to Day

So what does equality look like in daily life? Here are some real-world signs:

• Listening without interruption: Each partner feels safe to share without being shut down.

• Shared emotional labor: Both partners tune into the emotional and logistical needs of the relationship. The days of women being the emotional carrier of the marriage are over. Today, both people need to be invested in growth as a system.

• Permission to say no: Boundaries are honored, not punished. We make requests, not demands. And we tend to ourselves and our disappointment, when our partner says no to our requests.

• Repair after conflict: Apologies are one-way initially, accountable for our own failings, and meaningful. No one holds permanent power. We say, out loud, "I'm sorry for hurting you. Is there anything I can do right now to make you feel better?"

• Decisions made together: Whether it's parenting, finances, or weekend plans, both voices matter.

• Equal Access to Rest: I don't believe you can perfectly and equally split chores and household tasks, so a solution to this conundrum is to work hard to ensure both partners have equal access to rest. And there are 7 different types of rest, if you didn't know. It's not just about sleep! (3)

• Household roles reflect preferences, not assumptions: One person might cook more because they love it, not because it’s expected.

• Acknowledging invisible labor: Planning, remembering, and managing the family’s needs is recognized and shared. For example, my husband is wonderful about making sure our water is always ordered and on time. He goes and picks it up from the water company (we buy fancy water that tastes yummy), without me even having to say anything. It's truly an invisible task that makes such a difference in our lives!

• Freedom to grow: Each partner supports the other’s growth, even if it means re-negotiating routines, roles, or comfort zones.

• Sex includes mutual care and pleasure: We make space for what feels good for both partners. If someone wants an orgasm, they deserve to get one—every time.

• Affection and care go both ways: Initiating affection, checking in, or making a cup of tea isn’t gendered. It’s relational.

These shifts might feel small, but they change the relational culture in powerful ways.

A Therapist's View: Why This Matters

Over the years, I’ve seen how equality changes relationships from the inside out. Couples who once felt stuck begin to reconnect with warmth and playfulness. The partner who used to dominate softens. The partner who used to retreat steps forward. As Terry Real says, "We want the mighty to melt and the weak to stand up."

This isn’t about blame. It’s about learning a new way to love: one that honors both people equally. And it’s something couples can absolutely learn with support.

Ready to Build a More Connected Relationship?

If you're in Edmond, Oklahoma or across the states of Oklahoma and Vermont, and want to strengthen your relationship through mutual respect and deeper connection, I’d be honored to support you. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and start the journey toward equality in your relationship.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourselves,

Megan

References

1. Ricks, B., & Bachman, Z. (2022). Every Voice Heard: Imagining Feminist Voice Technologies. ADJACENT: Issue 8. NYU ITP. Retrieved from https://itp.nyu.edu/adjacent/issue-8/every-voice-heard-imagining-feminist-voice-technologies/

2. Oxfam International. (2020). Feminist Principles for Gender‑Responsive Programming. Oxfam. Retrieved from https://oxfamilibrary.openrepository.com/bitstream/handle/10546/621064/ogb-feminist-principles-091020-en.pdf?sequence=1

3. American Psychological Association. (2023, May 6). Seven types of rest to help restore your body’s energy. https://www.apa.org/topics/mental-health/seven-rest-types