Love and Longing: Dating in This Big Ole World Out There

Hi friends,

If dating has ever made you want to scream into a throw pillow or question your entire worth as a human, you’re not alone. I hear this stuff all the time in therapy: people wondering, Why does dating suck so much? or Why does one unanswered text send me into an emotional spiral? Let’s talk about it.

Because here's the deal: dating isn’t just dating. It brings up all our old crap. That situationship that fizzled out last week? That moment you got ghosted after date #4? That late-night “you up?” text you almost replied to even though you knew better? I'm going to make the case that it's not just about the present. It’s your past tugging at your sleeve.

In this post, we’re gonna name the patterns, talk about where they come from, and figure out what to do if you’re tired of dating like it’s a punishment from the universe.

When Dating Feels Like More Than Just Dating

I know it might seem like you’re just mad about a bad date or another almost-thing that didn’t turn into a real thing. But so often, what you're actually feeling is old hurt showing up again in a new way.

Rejection, distance, being ignored; these things don’t just sting. They hit old wounds from when love wasn’t so safe or easy. And your body remembers the blueprint of love you received from childhood.

Let’s break it down with some real-life stuff I hear in sessions all the time (names and details changed, obviously). Do any of these situations sound familiar?

Scenario One: Ghosted After It Felt Good?

You’ve been on date number four with someone you’re really into. It feels good. They say things like, “We are so in sync!” And then… poof. They ghost you, completely out of the blue.

You feel the rug pulled out from under you. You reread the last text you sent: “Hey, where you been?” and cringe a little. You wait. You text. You wonder if you imagined the whole thing. You feel dumb for caring.

And then it hits you: this doesn’t just hurt now; it feels familiar. That sinking feeling when you tried to show your mom your 100 on a spelling test and she barely looked up. That ache in your chest when someone you loved didn’t seem to see you at all.

This present-day disappearing act didn’t just hurt your feelings. It reminded a younger part of you that love is conditional. That you can try really hard and still get ignored. That maybe it’s your fault.

Spoiler: it’s not.

And just so we’re clear: if you ever are doing something that’s getting in the way of what you want? I’ll tell you. Kindly, but honestly. That’s what therapy’s for. Because clarity, without shame, is how we grow.

Scenario Two: When You Keep Saying Yes to the “You Up?” Text

It’s 12:30am. Your phone lights up. Yep, it’s them again.

You know the drill. You know you’ll feel like crap after. And still, there’s a part of you that wants to answer. Because what if this is as close as you’re gonna get? What if this is the best anyone will ever treat you? What if the only kind of love available to you is the kind that leaves you starving, the kind that leaves crumbs with no substance?

It’s okay. You’re not broken for wanting connection, even if it comes wrapped in bad boundaries and mediocre sex.Your nervous system believes inconsistent, low-stakes connection is safer than risking the vulnerability of real intimacy.

But also? You deserve more. And deep down, you know it.

Scenario Three: When Dating Later in Life Still Feels Like Childhood

You’re 47 or 55 or 39. Hell, you’ve been through some stuff. Maybe a divorce, maybe a long stretch of being single. You’ve done therapy. You’ve worked on yourself. You’ve built a life. And still… you feel so damn alone. You want long term connection.

You scroll dating apps. You go on dates. You try to stay hopeful. But deep down, you feel this ache: the one that says, This was supposed to feel different by now. You remember what your child self imagined love would feel like: safe, connected, fun, real. But your adult self? He hasn’t seen much of that. Instead, he gets conversations with no reciprocity. Dates that feel like interviews. Phantoms who vanish right after you start to feel a spark.

Then, you’re back in the past: walking in the front door, excitedly telling your dad about football practice, and hearing, “that’s good, good” as he turns back to his paper. No follow-up. No real curiosity. Just you, holding the weight of wanting connection and not getting it once again.

You’ve spent a lifetime trying to feel heard. Seen. Chosen. And adult dating feels like proof that you were right all along: maybe you are unloveable. Maybe no one ever will really "get you." Maybe you won't get the sitting in the matching rocking chairs on the front porch future you always wanted.

I call BS.

These thoughts aren’t facts. They’re remnants from your past, pretending to be truth. And they show up most fiercely when you’re stepping toward the kind of connection you’ve always wanted.

Why You Keep Dating the Same Person Over and Over

I promise that I am not stalking you. I've just heard stories like this so. many. dang. times. And I don't think it's all you. Let’s get real: you’re not picking “bad” people because you’re dumb or hopeless or secretly trying to ruin your own life.

You’re picking familiar. That’s it.

If love used to feel like chasing crumbs, proving your worth, or being the low-maintenance one who "doesn’t need much," then guess what feels weird and uncomfortable now?

Healthy, available, boringly respectful love.

You’re not broken. Your nervous system just needs to learn something new.

Therapy Can Help You Date Without Losing Your Damn Mind

I’m not saying therapy is a magic wand. But if you’re tired of dating with your past riding shotgun, therapy gives you a place to:

• Name what you actually want (not what you’re supposed to want).

• Clarify your values so you find a partner that connects with you on every level.

• Identify where your actions and your values aren't matching.

• Learn how to say no to people who don’t treat you well.

• Build boundaries that don’t feel like punishment or retaliation.

• Stop texting “are you mad at me?” every time someone cancels a date.

• Soothe the little-kid parts of you that panic when someone doesn’t text back.

• Demote the younger versions of you that are trying to run your life, as if you're still a child who can be abandoned, not an adult who might be left but will survive.

You can learn how to calm your system down, so you get to decide how you show up in dating, not your fear, your past, or your 8-year-old self with a point to prove.

What Dating With a Wounded, But Healing Attachment Style Actually Looks Like

A wounded attachment style doesn’t mean you can’t date. It just means you’re gonna have to date a little differently. More awake. More honest. More you.

It means:

• Letting people show you who they are and not sticking around to “see their potential”

• Saying, “Yeah, that’s a no for me” when someone is inconsistent

• Watching how you feel around them instead of building them a personality in your head

• Choosing people who can actually choose you back

If you’re anxiously attached? You might need help calming that part of you that’s scared everyone leaves.

And, if you're an avoidant lover, then it means being vulnerable, allowing yourself to be fully seen and fully known, and trusting that you will be okay no matter what happens. That you will take care of you, even if that person cannot appreciate what you are bringing to the table.

You can do this. And you don’t have to do it alone.

You Deserve More than Survival. You Deserve to Thrive in Life and Love.

You don’t need to heal yourself into perfection before you get to be loved.

But you do get to stop abandoning yourself to get a text back. You get to say, “Hey, I want more than this,” even if your voice shakes. You get to be picky. You get to feel like your full damn self in a relationship.

That’s what therapy can help with. Not just finding someone, but finding your way back to you.

If you’re in Edmond, Oklahoma—or anywhere in Oklahoma or Vermont—and you’re tired of dating like your inner child is running the show, I’d love to help. Let’s work together to build the kind of self-trust, boundaries, and clarity that make dating less chaotic and more real. You’re not too much. You’re not too late. You’re just ready.

Schedule a free consultation with me here, so we can chat about what the plan should be for you, so that you can have the life and love that you so deeply desire.

Take exquisite care of yourselves,

Megan