When the Holidays Aren’t the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Embracing a ‘Merry Little Christmas’

Hi friends!

I hope you are doing well. I am looking forward to the joy and sorrow this holiday season brings. I'm ready for the new year and all of its hope. I hope you are feeling more ready too. If not, this blog post is just for you. All of you is welcome here. Even the parts that hate the holiday season with a passion, or the parts that feel lonely, aloof, or sad this year, and you can't exactly pinpoint why. Perhaps my words will enlighten you.

The holiday season comes with a powerful mix of expectations and emotions. As the incessantly cheerful and nostalgic music begins playing in every store, audacious advertisements flood our screens (anyone else still appalled by the car commercials where husbands just buy a vehicle and put a bow on it with no input from their wives? Just me? Oh. Carry on then.), and glitzy plans fill our calendars, we are often presented with an idealized version of the holidays—a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. Songs like "It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" encourage us to believe that everyone must be merry, festive, and fulfilled.

maybe you thought your Christmas season would look like this...

However, for many people, the holidays evoke a more intricate emotional experience—one that might resonate more with the somber undertones of the original lyrics of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."

The truth is that the holidays can feel heavy, complex, or downright lonely. And that's okay. If this resonates with you or someone you care about, let’s take a closer look at why this time of year can feel difficult, the emotional contrast between these two famous holiday songs, and how we can approach this season with self-compassion.

Perhaps your Christmas looks like this dumpster fire instead.

The Pressure of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

Andy Williams’ upbeat classic “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” paints a vivid picture of holiday cheer:

"It’s the most wonderful time of the year, with the kids jingle-belling, and everyone telling you be of good cheer."

The song builds an image of perfect family gatherings, laughter-filled parties, and sparkling celebrations. And while this might feel true for some, for others it sets an impossible standard—one that can heighten feelings of loneliness, grief, and inadequacy. When you’re struggling, whether due to loss, family conflict, maintaining sobriety, financial stress, or mental health concerns, being told to “be of good cheer” can feel invalidating, even dismissive.

The gap between what you “should” be feeling and what you actually feel can create a sense of dissonance. If you’re already coping with difficult emotions, hearing these messages on repeat can amplify shame and self-criticism. Why can’t I just enjoy the season like everyone else? Why am I the one who feels sad, anxious, or empty?

The truth is that no one’s holiday season is perfect. Life doesn’t pause for us to celebrate. Illness, loss, financial difficulties, concerns around sobriety, and strained relationships don’t suddenly resolve just because the calendar hits December. If anything, these struggles can feel magnified.

A Different Holiday Song: The Original “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

In contrast, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” offers a more grounded and bittersweet perspective. History fact a la Wikipedia: 'Some of the original lyrics penned by Martin were rejected before filming began. When presented with the original draft lyric, Garland, her co-star Tom Drake and director Vincente Minnelli criticized the song as depressing, and asked Martin to change the lyrics. Though he initially resisted, Martin made several changes to make the song more upbeat.

For example, the lines "It may be your last / Next year we may all be living in the past" became "Let your heart be light / Next year all our troubles will be out of sight". Garland's version of the song, which was also released as a single by Decca Records, became popular among United States troops serving in World War II; her performance at the Hollywood Canteen brought many soldiers to tears.' The song's original lyrics captured the ache and quiet hope of the season:

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last / Next year we may all be living in the past.”

“Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow / Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow.”

While these lyrics were softened over time (Frank Sinatra was the next artist to request edits) to sound more hopeful, their core message remains poignant. The holidays aren’t always about exuberant joy; sometimes, they’re about muddling through. They acknowledge the pain of separation, the bittersweet nature of memory, and the reality that joy and sorrow often coexist. In fact, you can't have joy without sorrow. The contrast between the two feelings is what defines them. It's what gives us empathy. It helps us understand what other people are going through.

This version of the song is tender and realistic, honoring the truth that sometimes the best we can do is have a "merry little Christmas." And that’s enough.

Why the Holidays Can Feel Heavy: Understanding ‘Holiday Syndrome’

The phenomenon known as “holiday syndrome” can help explain why the holiday season is challenging for many people. Coined by psychiatrist Dr. John L. Cameron, the term refers to the emotional and physical stress that often arises during the holidays. Symptoms may include heightened anxiety, depression, irritability, and fatigue—all of which are amplified by the pressure to perform happiness and perfection during this season.

Several factors contribute to holiday syndrome:

1. Grief and Loss: For those who have lost loved ones, the holidays can intensify feelings of grief. Traditions, empty chairs at the table, or memories of happier times can serve as painful reminders of who is no longer there.

2. Family Dynamics: Many people experience stress or conflict during family gatherings. Old wounds may resurface, or difficult relationships can feel unavoidable during obligatory celebrations.

3. Financial Stress: The pressure to buy gifts, host events, or travel can cause significant financial strain, especially for individuals already facing economic challenges.

4. Loneliness: For those without close family or friends nearby, the holidays can deepen feelings of isolation. Seeing others celebrate together may highlight one’s own sense of disconnection. The holiday season can also be particularly hard to navigate if you've made significant changes this year, like getting sober, moving away from toxic family members, or navigating the end of a relationship or marriage. If you find yourself 'white-knuckling' to make it through, please know that many, many other people feel just like you do.

5. Unrealistic Expectations: Whether it’s the desire for a “perfect” holiday or the need to meet others’ expectations, this pressure can lead to exhaustion and disappointment.

   
   

Understanding that holiday syndrome is a real and common experience can help normalize the struggles you may feel. You are not alone in finding this time of year difficult.

Embracing a “Merry Little Christmas”: Permission to Feel

If the holidays bring up more sadness or stress than joy, it’s important to give yourself permission to feel exactly as you do. Instead of forcing yourself to meet an external standard of holiday cheer, try to embrace your reality with compassion. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Honor Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel down, isolated, or stressed during the holidays. Allow yourself to acknowledge and sit with those emotions. Holidays are rife with trauma anniversaries, anxiety-provoking social interactions, and financial stress. It makes sense if you feel 'stuff' right now. All of your old 'stuff' is probably coming to the surface.

2. Create Your Own Traditions and Drop the Performance: If old traditions bring painful memories, consider creating new ones that feel more meaningful or manageable. This might mean a quiet evening with a favorite movie, volunteering, or taking a walk in nature. Traditions can be shifted. And maybe by shifting them, your feelings will shift too. Letting go of the act might involve not forcing yourself to appear ecstatic or snapping countless photos for Instagram. It means being true to yourself, right where you are, at this moment, and valuing the path that brought you here.

3. Set Boundaries: Protect your time and energy by saying no to events, conversations, or commitments that feel draining. You don’t have to attend every party or meet every expectation. You also don't have to buy gifts for every person that buys you a gift. You can limit the celebration to what feels feasible and festive, for you.

4. Focus on Small Moments of Comfort: Instead of striving for perfection, find peace in small joys: a cup of hot Christmas tea, a fuzzy blanket, the twinkling lights, or connection with a loved one. Let “a merry little Christmas” be enough. Matching pajamas and a meticulously crafted Christmas card do not create a joyful holiday.

5. Seek Support: If you’re struggling, know that you don’t have to face it alone. Reaching out to friends, family, or a mental health professional can help you navigate this season with thoughtfulness, support and intention.

Your Holidays Don’t Have to Be Perfect.

The holidays are often portrayed as the most joyful, wonderful time of the year. But if you find yourself feeling melancholy, lonely, or overwhelmed, you’re not alone. The bittersweet message of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” reminds us that it’s okay to honor our struggles and allow ourselves to simply muddle through when needed.

This year, give yourself the gift of compassion. Whether your holiday feels joyful, painful, or somewhere in between, know that it’s enough to have a merry little Christmas in whatever form that takes for you.

And if you need to meet with a therapist after the holidays so that you stop just 'muddlin' through somehow,' schedule a consultation with me here. I'd love to help you find a way for a little merriness to shine through, even in really dark times.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan

What is Nervous System Regulation?

Hi friends,

I hope you are all getting back into the swing of normal life, in this weird twilight zone around the holiday season. I had a nice, relaxing Thanksgiving, overall, which I know may not be the case for many of you in other families or households. Holidays can definitely disrupt our calm and put our nervous system on edge.

Thus, our question for today: "What is Nervous System Regulation? And how do we do it?"

Your Autonomic Nervous System or ANS, for short, is comprised of two interlocking systems underneath it, which are the Sympathetic Nervous System, SNS, and the Parasympathetic Nervous System, PNS. The ANS is the body's boss bitch, responsible for all things involuntary within your body, such as your breathing, heartbeat, hunger cues, etc.

The SNS mobilizes the "fight or flight" (and fawn) responses, which are key to responding to threats perceived by the body and the brain. The PNS promotes rest and digestion, as well as relaxation.

Your Vagus Nerve primarily controls most functions within your PNS. It consists of two pathways: the Ventral Vagal and the Dorsal Vagal.

The Ventral Vagal pathway is the key to all things connected, calm, socially engaged and a lower resting heart rate. Seriously! Dr. Stephen Porges, the founder of Polyvagal theory, which is what we are talking about here in this post, discovered it accidentally by studying heartrate variability. Here's an interesting video where he discusses the theory at length.

So think of the nervous system like a ladder, with Ventral Vagal at the bottom, the Sympathetic response in the middle (fight, flight, or fawn) and with Dorsal Vagal at the top.

What's the Dorsal Vagal? Dorsal Vagal is the final response. This means your body's threat detection system, the process of neuroception, has uncovered a threat to the body that is so dangerous, so great, so intense, that the body believes there's no chance for you to overcome the threat.

And thus, it does something really interesting... It slows the heart rate down again. It moves the body and brain into a state of freeze. It's the last level of defense. Your body instinctively you to a state of anesthesia in case you die. Which is really nice if you're facing a hungry tiger in the bushes, but not so nice when your boss requests a last minute meeting with HR on Friday afternoon.

So, what do we do with this information?

We Notice, Nurture and Navigate our Nervous System.

Noticing requires your attention to how your nervous system operates in the background. Picking up what it picks up. Noticing what it notices. Remember the process of neuroception? Your nervous system is scanning within your body for threats, throughout the room or physical space you are in, and in between you and other people for threats. Pretty cool, huh? So the first step to regulating your nervous system is to notice your different cues and figuring out which stage of the nervous system is operating in the background.

Nurturing your nervous system means choosing the right activity at the right time. So sometimes it can be a short term option, like having a glass of wine at the end of a long day, (fine), but sometimes that means choosing something that is good for you both today and tomorrow, like exercising (better). To nurture is to 'care for and encourage the growth and development of." That means that you have to balance the right now comforts with the harder self-care actions that benefit you today and tomorrow. Present you working for future you? That sort of cooperation between what you do now and envisioning how you will feel later can change your life.

Navigation--- the act of 'ascertaining one's position and planning and following a route.' With regards to regulation and your nervous system, this step is the most intensive. While it's related to the nurture aspect, navigation is more purposeful. Navigation, for many of my chronic trauma survivors, will mean big changes within their life and their current circumstances. Navigation may mean setting boundaries in relationships, quitting your soul sucking job, divorcing your abusive spouse, losing significant weight, or letting go of a substance or activity that is holding you in addiction. Navigation means shedding the 'things and relationships' that used to help you regulate so that you can find new ways to regulate, within yourself, and within your values' system.

So, I ask you, "where are you starting from? Noticing? Nurturing? Navigating?" And where do you want to be in a year from now? Stuck like you are now, in a chronic state of fight or flight? Or frozen in a depressive, dissociative state?

What if it could be different? What if you could find a therapist who could help shepherd you through the Notice, Nurture and Navigation processes of nervous system regulation? What if you could access your Ventral Vagal state more frequently and with less effort?

To start, you're welcome to a free copy of my Polyvagal Theory workbook if you are willing to subscribe to my email list. :) Click here if you'd like to gain access to that download! It's pretty freaking cool if I do say so myself!

If working together in the therapy room sounds like something you're interested in, drop me a line at info@giftofofgritcounseling.com or schedule a free consultation for counseling here!

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Megan

Maybe What You Need is a 'Steel Magnolias' Cryfest: The Healing Power of Tears

Hi friends,

I hope you are doing well. I am good, although busy and slightly overwhelmed with the holiday season we are in currently.

Today, I thought I would tell a personal story, and I promise that it will be relevant to you. Here's what I want you to keep in mind: Many of the clients I see are ashamed of their tears. They feel vulnerable when they cry. It's scary to feel that way, and perhaps they even grew up in homes where they weren't allowed to cry. Ever. Maybe they feel out of control when they cry. Many of them apologize for crying in my office, which is literally the place to cry.

With that in mind, what do we do when you need to cry, like really really need to? You know that moment, where your eyes are stinging, you can feel the liquid welling up under your eyelids and there's a burning in your throat that won't cease. But you just can't or won't allow yourself the reprieve and relief of tears falling down your face.

Have you ever wondered what the benefit of tears are? Well, tears are essential to healing and emotional regulation. Here's a couple of interesting facts about crying:

• Crying actively releases cortisol, one of the stress hormones. It's a way for your body to self-regulate, and by suppressing this urge, we actually increase our levels of stress hormones in the body. (Vingerhoets AJJM, Kirschbaum C.,1997.).

• Crying is also a self-soothing behavior (Gračanin A, Bylsma LM, Vingerhoets AJ. , 2014.). It helps you activate your Parasympathetic Nervous System, which is your rest and digestion system.

• Crying also helps to clear bacteria from your eyes, and may even reduce your susceptibility to the ill effects of dangerous substances, like anthrax. (Sung K, Khan SA, Nawaz MS, Cerniglia CE, Tamplin ML, Phillips RW, Kelley LC., 2011).

Now that we've got the science out of the way and you believe me that a good cry is just what you need. Please allow me to share a personal story with you to make it even more evident.

"Nana," my maternal grandmother, experienced a tragic car accident at 44 when a disabled driver crossed the median, resulting in a collision. The driver and his passenger both lost their lives, and although my grandmother was expected to die, she miraculously survived after being extracted from the car by the 'jaws of life.' At the time, my mother was 27 and just two weeks away from marrying my father. Consequently, Nana embarked on a lifelong journey of recovery from the accident's impact, which left her face crushed, her ankles shattered, and her back compressed and twisted.

Needless to say, multiple lives, including those of my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother, were irrevocably altered at that moment. One summer evening, several years before Nana's passing, she and Aunt Nita (my mom's sister) tallied up the number of surgeries my grandmother had undergone since that fateful day. They stopped counting after reaching 50 procedures.

The summer I turned 16, my grandmother had back surgery that went awry, resulting in a serious infection. To combat the infection and treat the original back injuries from the car accident, she required 7 surgeries during the sweltering months of July and August. Each day, my mother undertook a one-and-a-half-hour round trip to consult with the doctor and be there for my grandmother, who was often unconscious and gravely ill. That summer was challenging for all of us.

This is where the story touches on tears and the impact of crying. One day, my mother returned home with a DVD case from BlockBuster (do you remember the thrill of those blue DVD cases?), and told me, "I'm feeling very sad and I know I need to cry, but I just can't. I can't seem to make it happen. So I'm going to watch 'Steel Magnolias' and cry. You're welcome to watch it with me, but just be aware that's what I need to do."

We cuddled up on the couch, and we laughed hysterically as 'Ouiser' said "I'm not crazy, M'Lynn. I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years!" Perhaps you're just like Ouiser, maybe you're not crazy. You've just not cried in 10 years.

We smiled when Shelby got married to the man she loved, and conceived the baby she wanted so badly.

Then, we got to the end of the movie, the last fateful 15 minutes, where everything goes to shit. My mom just let the tears roll down her face, and drip down her chin, over and over. I cried, too, mainly because it's hard to watch someone else cry and not cry with them. (I still do it sometimes in sessions with clients.) When the credits rolled, my mom's tears stopped, and she rolled her shoulders back, cracked a grin, and said, "I feel better now."

So maybe, just maybe, what you need in order to allow yourself to cry is a 'Steel Magnolias' movie night. Maybe you need to cry with someone else. Maybe you need to announce it, and then, go do it. Maybe you need to overcome the fear that crying makes you vulnerable, because not crying is what actually leads to vulnerability and an inability to cope.

Not crying leads to further illness, more distress, and more shame. And we're not about that life here, friends.

Shed your tears and find healing. Let them serve their purpose and soothe the wounds within your soul.

And if you need a therapist who gets it, I'm just a phone call, email or text message away. If you want a space where you can learn how to cry without shame, I'm ready to help you create that space within your life. You can schedule a free consultation with me right here, if you'd like to work together.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan